I am following the lead of other bloggers like Calliope, Kami, and AMS, and posting some thoughts about my own grief process.

I find myself standing here, in this day that doesn’t always exist, and I realize how much more I have to say.   Like the paintings in AMS’s post, I can feel that heart-shaped hole where once there was life.

To my sweet little man:

You might already have been here, had things gone differently.  They never do know with due dates and such.  Maybe you would have been impatient like your mom and emerged, pink and joyous, into the world a little sooner than expected.

Instead, you came much sooner than any of us could have imagined.  It all seemed to be going so well, and yet…

And yet… you had somewhere else to be I guess.  Somewhere, it seems so close and so far, removed from the world and all of its pain and worry.  I guess every mother says she would spare her child those things if she could.

And so you were spared, though I might selfishly have chosen otherwise, if anyone had given me the choice.

There are so many things I must wait for… so many things I will never know.  You will stay pure and perfect, carried forever in my heart and soul.

Losing you has been at times both unbearable and almost beautiful.  You will always be my son, my first, my angel…

My little sushi, my sweet little man, my Aodin.