The Difference

1 Apr

Lately I have been spending about ten minutes in the bathroom at work every day crying.

Am I letting myself cry, or making myself cry?  I don’t really know.  By “making” I don’t mean forcing, but it is possible that I am knowingly putting myself into situations where I know I will cry… sometimes it’s continuing to read a blog post after I’ve already started to tear up.  Sometimes it’s letting that song play on my iPod even though it’s guaranteed to cause weeping.  Sometimes it is writing out a blog post to my son that is sure to bring the leaky eye.

This has been going on for about a week and a half now, and before that I would cry occasionally, but certainly not every day.   I just don’t know…

Am I hurting things, setting back the healing process?  Is this the healing process?  Am I an insane person?  Otherwise, I feel pretty normal and stable, and Aaron says that overall I seem positive and healthy.  Do I need to see someone?

Am I broken?

———————————————————————–

In other news –

I went back to the gym yesterday.  I managed fifteen minutes on the elliptical before my feet hurt too badly to continue.  This is a problem I was having before… my arches would start to hurt terribly and my toes would go numb.  I got new shoes, specifically recommended for women’s training, but then yesterday it was just as bad as ever.  It happens on the treadmill too, though not as bad.  On the stationery bike I get the numbness but much less pain.

Today I didn’t make it to the gym at all.  By the time I got downstairs, the cyst pain was so bad that I took the elevator back up and am now properly ensconced in my desk chair for the rest of the afternoon.

This sucks.

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7 Responses to “The Difference”

  1. brookem April 1, 2008 at 1:47 pm #

    Aww… big hugs my dear. Here’s hoping to some brighter days ahead for you.

    xo

  2. Becky April 1, 2008 at 3:00 pm #

    *hugs*

    Thinking of you and Aodin right now and always.

  3. niobe April 1, 2008 at 7:06 pm #

    I’m sure you’re doing what you need to do, letting yourself feel the sadness as much as you need to — even if that changes over time.

    (though I admit that I hate crying so much that I’ll do almost anything to avoid it — which is probably *not* the best idea)

  4. c. April 1, 2008 at 9:56 pm #

    I think your grieving falls in the “normal” range (you don’t sound crazy to me, yet). I think we all go through phases where we seem to cry more. I think that’s okay. I think seeing someone is always a good idea. It’s a good thing to be able to talk to someone (who specializes in this kind of loss) who can offer a different perspective. You are probably one of the most positive people I know out in deadbabyland. I hope you are feeling better soon :o)

  5. girlinthecrosswalk April 2, 2008 at 12:23 am #

    No. You’re not broken. I’m an expert on broken and you’re not. Cry if you want, but be easy with yourself… don’t listen to something if you know it’s going to upset you unless you positively feel like having a good cry.

  6. Rainypete April 2, 2008 at 11:57 am #

    It’s those damned waves I warned you about. I don’t think it would be setting back, but rather the continuation of your mourning. For me I find that I tend to break down a loss into manageable chunks. The entire thing in one go is far too large to handle all at once so I allow the gates to open a bit at a time. The down side to this is that once I think I’m done, there’s always that little something extra that creeps through once the gates are a little wider than can knock me on my butt again. Each time it gets a little better but each time it floors me to be so overwhelmed with it all again.

    You’re not broken at all, rather you are working fine and your heart is opening up again. Take care and remember to feel it but not to let it own you.

  7. Antigone April 6, 2008 at 12:17 am #

    I believe strongly in the healing effects of tears.

    Have you seen anyone about your foot?

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