There’s something very weird and vaguely unsettling to me about the future. And specifically, I mean MY future. I am, and have always been, nearly incapable of picturing myself in a future place that is significantly different from where I am in the present. When I try to think of myself as an old woman, I can’t and the effort makes me feel strangely disconnected from my current life.
That’s weird, right? I remember being a kid and trying to picture myself as an adult, and I just couldn’t do it. I am extremely tied to the current moment, the RIGHT NOW, and I just can’t wrap my head around the idea that things will be different. I have always felt the same inside… I don’t feel any older now than I did in high school. I remember high school pretty well still, and in my head I look back and see myself as the same person I am today. Younger, yes… technically, but no different. I recognize that I’ve had life experiences since then that have changed me, but at my core I feel like I’ve always been the same…
I don’t even know if this is making sense, but it’s something that’s been on my mind since Aaron and I started talking about a living will. We want to make sure we’ve documented our wishes for Evi, but talking about it puts me in a weird place in my head because it forces me to seriously think about some future point in which I will not exist. That shakes me, makes my skin feel crawly and my head unsettled.
Maybe it’s the ultimate arrogance… maybe my head is limited by my own humanity… but I think I’ll leave the future where it belongs.
More from me:
The one where I malign water and everyone tells me I’m an idiot: Water, Water Everywhere?
Screwcap vs. Cork: which for wine?