Liar, Liar

27 Nov

Sometimes I lie. When I was younger, I used to do it all the time. As I got older, it got better and better until I learned that I didn’t need to do it anymore.

I’m not talking about little lies. I don’t mean the little things we say so often to spare someone’s feelings or avoid pointless conflict. I mean biggish lies, and random ones.

They were always lies that grew out of insecurity. I lied because I wanted to fit in, seem cooler, be older, smarter… I lied to make excuses for myself, my weight, my discount jeans…

It’s been a long time since I told one of those lies. Today I did and, as usual, I put myself in a totally awkward position where I am likely to get caught in the lie.

Mr. Pants and I are really broke right now. Way broke. We have NO money. I was sitting at home today and I wanted to eat the salsa we had leftover. We were out of chips, so I raided the piggy bank for enough change to go buy a bag. When I got to the counter, I paid with a handful of coins and the woman at the register chuckled a little. Then so did the woman behind me.

I got embarrassed. I’m not usually easy to embarrass, but I have been bothered by our money issues lately and I can’t talk to Mr. Pants about it because he already worries. He is talking about getting a second job, and I feel guilty about it because it is all so that I can finish school. I bring next to no money into this house, spend more than I should, and am responsible for the vast majority of our debt. In short, I suck.

So, I lied about the use of change. I got all flustered, and wanted to think of a reason I would have run out of the house in my pajamas with nothing but a handful of nickels and dimes on a mad chip rush. In my complete madness, I told her I couldn’t help it because I was extra hungry because I was pregnant.

WHAT? WHO? HUH?

Better yet, she lives in my neighborhood. What the hell am I going to do now? What happens when I run into her while Mr. Pants and I are walking the dog? What happens if she says something about my make-believe baby in front of my husband? He is a good man, and he loves me beyond compare, but how the hell am I going to tell him that I am a crazy flaming liar? I don’t even know where it came from, and once it was out I couldn’t take it back.

Now I don’t know what to do. The only way out of this is to tell Mr. Pants, and then prepare to either lie again when I see this woman or admit to her that my embarrassment over some nickels was enough to make me spit out a ridiculous lie.

Now my stomach hurts and I feel ridiculous. I also have absolutely no idea how I am going to pay my credit card payments this month. I told Mr. Pants he could buy the car of his dreams and the catch was that I would manage to pay my own bills. This month I don’t have any clue how I am going to be able to do that. I can’t tell him. He’ll freak out. He’ll start working even more often, and I already feel so guilty about this.

It’s confirmed. I’m an idiot.

UPDATE:  Mr. Pants and my mother both laughed so hard they almost cried.  Then Mr. Pants called my mother and said “We’re having a baby!”.  So, I’m still an idiot, but at least no one was ashamed or anything. 

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8 Responses to “Liar, Liar”

  1. Wondy November 27, 2006 at 10:03 pm #

    That is such a fantastic story! I laughed out loud myself. You did the right thing owning up and see? It ended happily.

    Babe, I am so sorry you are so worried about the debts, believe me I know how you are feeling. This is the time when you should just be concentrating on getting through school and then it will all be worth it.

    Can I do anything?

  2. Wondy November 27, 2006 at 10:04 pm #

    Ps. You are not an idiot, you’re gifted in the imagination that’s all. My habit is exaggeration, which is almost the same…

  3. firefightersdaughter November 27, 2006 at 11:28 pm #

    Lord it must be delicious to be loved like Mr. Pants loves you. i fight that temptation often… to make excuses for my broke-ness. “Oh, I just paid off my car insurance.” “Oh, my [imaginary]boyfriend forgot to mail that bill.” sigh. I’m with you, darlin.

  4. firefightersdaughter November 27, 2006 at 11:37 pm #

    A Mr. Pants clone? I’m in. Uhm… will you take a check? that you don’t cash for a while? 😛

  5. iamthesky November 28, 2006 at 8:37 am #

    I luvf you!!! Don’t worry, everything will work out, I promise… it always does. Also, if you need to know… the dumpster divers come to our apt. on Tuesdays. None of us can really afford food either. But, see. Plenty of people have financial problems.

  6. yummysushipajamas November 28, 2006 at 9:21 am #

    Note to self – dinner at Beckys on Tuesdays.

  7. Chica November 28, 2006 at 1:39 pm #

    SUCH a funny story! Mr. Pants rocks. Sounds like he totally gets you, and that there is priceless xx

  8. Tara November 29, 2006 at 12:11 pm #

    Well, my advice, if you were intent on lying to get out of the lie, was to end the fake pregnancy with a fake miscarriage. 🙂

    Sometiems, you just gotta have the chips, though. I totally understand.

    BTW, I like the Mohawk Mr. Pants.

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