24 Feb

I just cannot get over how supportive everyone has been.  Things aren’t totally figured out yet, and I am terrified of telling people I don’t intend to suffer through graduate school despite the last few months of saying otherwise, but I feel… lighter.

Mr. Pants and I are going to sit down for a long talk about what our financial restraints are, i.e. what sort of money I need to be bringing home in order for us to live the sort of life we’d life to.  From there, I get onto the job search websites and look around at what my options are.  Of course, I also (probably on Friday next) sit down with the people at my current museum job to ask what the likelihood is that they can keep me.  They love me, but budgets are tight in small museums right now, so the answer might be no.

Once we’ve figured out the cash flow situation, we talk about timelines.  We have to stay in our apartment until October, when the new lease is up.  We’d both like very much to be in a situation where we could buy a house then, even if it’s crap.  We just want something that is ours, you know?  With the amount of credit card debt we have managed to rack up though, I am afraid it won’t happen when we want it to.  We’ll see about that part though.  Maybe we will get lucky.

And then?  BABIES!!!  Thanks for some of the offers of pre-owned models, but we are really looking to have our very own, personalized edition.  I am pretty sure Mr. Pants is set on having a house first, but we’ll see how the timeline talk works out.

I am still terrified about the part where I tell people, specifically at school.  I am thinking I will try to put it off as long as possible.  People are going to be disappointed.  They are going to tell me I am wasting my talent.  Intellectually I understand that I don’t have to have their values, that what they want from life is not what I want, and that I am happy withthe choices I am making.  Emotionally, I don’t want to disappoint people who I truly respect.  These are mostly men and women who have made huge impacts on my academic, and thus my larger, life.  They have taught me amazing things and made my life in academia better for it.  I respect them and how hard each of them has worked for where they are and what they are doing.  But?  I don’t want their lives.  I don’t want to be held to their standards just because they cannot grasp the concept that someone would choose family over career.

And then, there is that tiny, tiny voice in the back of my mind.  It was there when I was planning on grad school, and it is there now.  You’ll regret it, it says.  You’re taking the easy way out, it tells me.  It said those things before though, about the completely opposite situation.  I think the head-voice might be stuck on repeat.  I am choosing to ignore it.

And so, thank you.  Thanks for every kind word and supportive email.  You guys are amazing.


4 Responses to “Thanks”

  1. Bre February 24, 2007 at 12:13 pm #

    The upside is that this gives me plenty of time to figure out how to knit baby sweaters. Blankets I think I can do, just so long as I think of them as really big scarves, but the sweaters will take time!

    I hope the folks at work will realize that this is not a spur of the moment choice that you have made. It’s something that’s in your best interest, and that’s what’s the most important!

  2. iamthesky February 25, 2007 at 10:55 am #

    I still love you even if you’re not going to grad school. And I think when you tell people (professors and such) they’ll understand. You ARE really intelligent, which is why you can do whatever you want and succeed! Don’t worry about the timeline… things have a funny way of falling into place. 😉 Also, it’s not like because you aren’t going to grad school now your slamming the door, bolting it shut, and throwing the key inside of a chained up safe and then throwing that into the Challenger Deep in the Mariana Trench! (even if you did and then changed your mind, I have a strudy pair of bolt cutters you could borrow…) You can see where life takes you and then maybe you’ll want to go later and maybe not. It’s whatever you feel. If people truely care about you they’ll respect your decisions and be proud of whatever you decide to do. So, I’m PROUD of you!

  3. rainypete February 25, 2007 at 10:56 pm #

    Never trust any strange voices…..follow your heart!
    As for the house thing, we took that route too. Better to buy a beat up house and fix it up to get started than shell out every month and pay someone else’s mortgage. Good luck on the planning….the future’s a fun and spooky place.

  4. Jess February 26, 2007 at 9:51 am #

    I’m a little late here, but I’m glad you were able to reach a decision about grad school. I have students asking me all the time about whether they should apply to grad school or not, and I always tell them if they have doubts, there’s no need to rush into it. Grad school will always be there as an option down the road. Personally, I’ve been in grad school for what seems like ages, and I’ll finally be finishing and starting my first “real” job this fall at age 30. Putting a life on hold that long just isn’t for everyone. Sometimes, I wonder if it was even the best decision for me. 😉

    From the sound of things, you’ve thought it through and made the decision that’s right for you. I’m sure everyone who cares about you will see things the same way once you explain your reservations.

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