Four Weeks

4 Nov

Tomorrow I would have been 23 weeks pregnant.  I would have been wearing fall and winter maternity clothes, shopping for a new winter coat, and reading updates about developing lungs and increased growth.

Unfortunately,  that was not the way it was meant to be.  Instead, I am four weeks into the process of grief.  I am struggling to find anything to wear that fits my not-pregnant-but-still-bigger-than-before body right now.  I read blogs about loss and hope.

In the end, though, my life is still a good one.  I am happy for the most part.  Maybe not in every moment, but overall I am (strangely enough) in a pretty good place.  I am amazingly in love with my husband.  I have a family that can make me smile no matter how bad things seem.  My friends are a collection of the sweetest, most beautiful people in the world.  I am smart and strong and healthy.  I am making it through the hardest thing I will ever go through, and in the process I am really learning something about my own strength of character.

It has been four weeks.

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9 Responses to “Four Weeks”

  1. Bre November 4, 2007 at 12:18 pm #

    I can’t believe it’s been an entire four weeks. I’m sure that the time is even more distorted for you, but I’m continuously impressed with the strength, grace, and love that you’ve shown in these past four weeks!

  2. meg November 4, 2007 at 12:49 pm #

    I know it’s hard not to stop and think where we *should* have been in our pregnancies.

    I’m glad that you are feeling so (relatively) good and that you have the support of your husband, family and friends. It makes all the difference. Oh and, of course, it goes without saying that you have all of us too!

  3. Caryn November 4, 2007 at 2:19 pm #

    Four weeks already? Wow. It still feels too new. *hug*

  4. girlinthecrosswalk November 4, 2007 at 6:20 pm #

    Time seems to have gone by so quickly. It feels like just yesterday that all of this happened and look at how much stronger you are just four weeks later. You’re amazing.

  5. KennethSF November 4, 2007 at 9:52 pm #

    Having never experienced anything remotely close to what you’re going through, I’m afraid I’m completely at a loss for words of consolation. But I find myself brimming with admiration for you. Your grief is still so fresh, yet you exhibit so much wisdom, compassion, and forbearance. It’s apparent to me Little Sushi is not gone; he’s become an indestructible part of your inner strength.

  6. Tara J. November 4, 2007 at 10:31 pm #

    It goes so fast, it goes so slow. And look what you’ve survived.

    You can do anything.

    To more and more peace…

  7. christavswonderwoman November 4, 2007 at 11:09 pm #

    You are so courageous and to even be able to admit to yourself, let alone share with us, the fact that you are genuinely still happy at times, speaks volumes.

    I am sure, had I been through the same four weeks, I would not even be standing.

    You’re a true heroine and I love you x

  8. brandy November 5, 2007 at 9:06 pm #

    “In the end, though, my life is still a good one.” Keep that thought close friend. You are doing a wonderful thing by sharing all of this with us. I feel humbled everytime I read how strong you are. Keep going.

  9. rainypete November 6, 2007 at 1:34 pm #

    I think I’d be afraid of someone who is happy all the time. We all get sad, it’s part of our design. Fortunately for many of us, our sadness isn’t usually as deep as your has had cause to be. I can’t wish it away but I shall indeed wish that the dark moments pass quickly and are replaced by longer lasting and far more numerous moments of joy and wonder.

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