Quoting

5 Nov

I read Sitting Still pretty regularly.  It’s a great blog, and the posts range from interesting to funny to touching, and everywhere in between.  Today, I found something there that I couldn’t pass up.  It’s a quote from Anne Lamott‘s newest book, Grace:

“This is the reason most first children get born: By the time it’s too late to back out, you have already fallen desperately, pathetically in love with them.  For too long, I had imagined holding him, smelling him, watching him grow; teaching him and reading to him, and walking and studying and resting and splashing around in the ocean with him, and comparing notes with him on the mean children in the park.

I loved him intimately, sight unseen.  Yet when he lay on my chest for the first time, part of me felt as if someone had given me a Martian baby to raise, or a Martian puppy.  And I had no owner’s manual, no energy, no clue as to what I was supposed to do.

The other part of me felt as though I were holding my own soul.”

I know I never got the chance to go through the whole thing with Aodin.  I never had that moment of worry about what I would do with him.  Instead, I was practically overcome by terror over the thought of what I would do without him.  All the same, these words spoke to me.  I did love him, from moment one, like I never thought I could love someone I had never seen, never known, only imagined.

When I held him, saw his sweet little face, I mourned lost dreams but I also marveled at miracles witnessed.  If he was a piece of my soul, then I, with all my faults and insecurities, with every lump and bump, every perceived imperfection…

I am a miracle. 

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4 Responses to “Quoting”

  1. Bre November 5, 2007 at 10:09 pm #

    You certainly are!

  2. girlinthecrosswalk November 5, 2007 at 10:16 pm #

    You are beautiful.

  3. charmedgirl November 6, 2007 at 8:18 am #

    it’s the strange juxtaposition of feeling like nothing is worth it anymore and being inspired to be the best you can to give their tiny life meaning. for me, it’s very confusing. when i’m my saddest, i feel most inspired; when i’m numb, i feel most worthless.

    is it about them, or us? or are they us? it’s the weirdest feeling, that i feel i have to live for her. i don’t have that for my living children.

  4. rainypete November 6, 2007 at 1:37 pm #

    It’s been a little over four years since I first had cause to wonder what the hell I was going to do with this strange new creature I was handed. While I was mystified and terrified at that particular moment I think I fell more deeply in love than I thought possible too.

    We are all miracles and would do well to never forget that simple fact. Hugs to you and Mr Pants.

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