A Discussion

6 Nov

Just after we lost Aodin, my cousin Scott made us a beautiful memorial video from his side of the family. I haven’t shared it… I am waiting until I can make one of my own that also includes my Dad’s family, Mr. Pants’ family, and some friends who have really made a difference through all of this…

Anyway… in the video, he used Sarah McLachlan’s song, Angel. When I hear the song, there are just some parts of it that really hit me hard right now, and I guess I wanted to address that here.

I need some distraction, oh beautiful release… Memory seeps from my veins. Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I’ll find some peace tonight.

I feel like this every night lately. I just can’t find real peace in the quiet and the dark. I can’t sleep. I am driven to tears at the thought of all that I have lost. During the day it is easier. I can distract myself with work and life, and I can wrap myself in the arms of my fabulous husband and be alright, safe in his love. At night, I begin to feel alone. I feel the dark close in around me, and I am afraid.

It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness, that brings me to my knees.

Sometimes I think it would be easier… easier to let go, easier to give in, easier to stop fighting, easier just to fall. I can feel the edge, standing there at the top of the canyon, the jagged bits of rock biting into my bare toes. But then, every time, I step away. I think that in those moments, Aodin takes my hand and pulls me back from the edge. He whispers in my ear, reminding me of everything I have… he whispers of the blessings he has brought, he hugs me as he reminds me of his sweet Daddy who needs me so (as I need him), and he grins with delight when he mentions all of the blessings he has yet to give us. And then, usually, once I have taken that step back and embraced my beautiful world, he sends me a butterfly… just in case.

You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie.  You’re in the arms of the angel. May you find some comfort here.

Those dark moments, those scary lonely times, are most certainly the “wreckage of my silent reverie” and I am pulled from it every time.  I may not be in his arms, as I am a good sight bigger than my sweet angel, but I am certainly in his heart. Here, in this world of unfairness and confusion… here, in this life of love and support… here, I find comfort. I find peace.

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4 Responses to “A Discussion”

  1. meg November 6, 2007 at 6:10 pm #

    Heather,

    I cannot listen to that particular song without tearing up. There are just some songs that seem to speak to me and that’s one of them, for sure.

    I am so glad that you are feeling comfort and peace. I’m really glad your family is supporting you. It makes all the difference–trust me, it really does.

  2. Tara J. November 6, 2007 at 10:01 pm #

    The only way out is through.

    Feel it.

    You’ll get there… one day at a time.

    p.s. re-send me the password 🙂

  3. brandy November 7, 2007 at 12:54 am #

    That is such a bittersweet song- I can understand how it would cause so much emotion for you right now. I’m with Meg in saying that I’m glad your family is supporting you, keep going Heather. Keep going.

  4. rainypete November 7, 2007 at 10:12 am #

    One of my all time favourite songs by one of my favourite artists. She has such a knack for dragging you aroudn by the heartstrings when she sings. Aonther one I like by her is Ordinary Miracle. As much as Angel would have been tough I think it is a marvelous choice because it does connect so well. You need some more of that magical Mr Pants cuddling to help you through the moments like this. Print this off, give it to him and tell him I prescribed them. I don’t think he’ll mind at all.

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