4,000 Words

14 Nov

My Friday at work looked like this:

11.09.07 Friday at Work

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On Sunday, Mr. Pants and I went out for breakfast:

11.11.07 Out for Breakfast

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On Monday, I saw this at lunch and couldn’t resist a photo:

11.12.07 Ransomed Bride

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But really, I am just putting off the real reason for this post because it is a tough one for me. So here I go:

11.10.07 Makayla Shay Fallin

I have a little sister who I don’t talk about much. In general, she doesn’t have a lot to do with our family since she has made some pretty bad choices in her life.

She may not be close to me, but this weekend she was in my thoughts. This is her little girl, born on Saturday, November 10 at 4lbs 6oz. Little Makayla was three weeks early and very small, so she had to be intubated to give her lungs the chance to develop fully.

As of today she was sent to a second hospital with a stronger NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) because she is not making the progress that she should be making.

The doctors say, however, that Makayla will be just fine given some time to let her lungs learn to work on their own. She may be staying in the hospital for some time for this to happen, but everyone is expecting a total, full recovery for her.

My sister, her mother, is staying with her at the hospital and is in good spirits. She is feeling fine after a relatively easy labor, and is looking forward to being a mommy.

Am I a terrible person if this is hard for me? I wish Makayla and her Mommy nothing but the best, but this weekend was not the easiest…  Now I find myself five weeks out from saying a bittersweet goodbye to my own son, and I am having trouble with it all.  I feel like a terrible human.  I should be happy for her.  I should rejoice in her happiness.  And I do, I am…  but it hurts me a little all the same.

Is that alright?

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16 Responses to “4,000 Words”

  1. Not So Little Sister November 14, 2007 at 11:07 am #

    I think it’s perfectly acceptable and expected for this to be hard for you. It sounds like (and I could be completely wrong) you have lived your lives in very different ways so I’m sure it feels unfair that she has a baby who will be okay and you don’t. Of course that’s hard. ((((HH))))

  2. bastet3 November 14, 2007 at 11:24 am #

    I think it’s normal for you to feel that way because you went through something so painful. It’ll probably get better over time, but you’ll always have Aodin with you so it’ll be hard not to think about him when you see a baby. Take comfort that you’re not the crazy lady who’s trying to steal your sister’s baby! ha ha. Sending you warm thoughts and wishes!

  3. Nicole November 14, 2007 at 12:52 pm #

    There are those moments when we are struck, head on, with the reality that life’s not fair. There aren’t any rules, the good guy doesn’t always win, and even when your heart is broken the world keeps moving. It’s ok to not be ok. It’s ok to sit with that for a bit and let it hurt. Sometimes the best gift we can give ourselves is to be honest with what we’re feeling.

  4. Tara J. November 14, 2007 at 1:54 pm #

    I felt the same way about happy couples after my divorce. Jealous. Bitter. It’s human, I think. Over time, it lessens. I think now someday I’ll have the happy marriage, too. And over time, as you continue to heal, you’ll be able to see other babies and not feel that (so much) and eventually want to have another of your own. Be patient with yourself. And send even more love and prayers to your sister, who sounds like she needs it a lot.

  5. christavswonderwoman November 14, 2007 at 2:11 pm #

    F**k yeah it’s alright, it’s totally normal H and good on you for even mentioning this to us and for being so positive toward your sister and her new baby.

    My heart broke for you reading this but I wish them luck and happiness too.

    I love you darling and wish I could hug you in realtime to show you how much x

  6. Sugarplums's Mom November 14, 2007 at 3:33 pm #

    You are not a terrible person. We all go through times where our feelings are in conflict. You are working through the grief process and some days will be easier than others; especially when you have such strong reminders of what you are going through.

  7. Coggy November 14, 2007 at 3:56 pm #

    It’s more than alright for you to feel like this. More than alright. I envy all my friends and family who have or are having children, some of them have had quite tough pregnancies like your sister. I always want things to be OK for them and I don’t wish them any harm but it’s like inside I deep down it upsets me because it’s just not fair.

  8. Jen November 14, 2007 at 5:48 pm #

    “I feel like a terrible human.”…

    Not at all terrible. The key word in the sentence is “human”. You wouldn’t be human if this didn’t bother you. It hurts and stings, but through the pain you wish her well and that makes you a remarkable human.

  9. Jason Rohrblogger November 14, 2007 at 6:00 pm #

    Jenn over at Let the Wild Rumpus Start has a great post about how when she was trying to conceive she hated everyone who was pregnant. Enjoy…
    http://jennfinch.blogspot.com/2005/02/oh-yay-let-me-be-asshole.html

  10. girlinthecrosswalk November 14, 2007 at 7:03 pm #

    It’s ok to feel not alright with that. In fact, reading this I was a little bothered… and I’m just going to go right on and be really immature about it… you would so be a better mom. In fact, you ARE so much of a better mom even though you won’t be sharing your life (time-wise) with Aodin. But, it is in times like these that you have to remember that everything happens for a reason. So for one reason or another things turned out this way.

    I love you.

  11. Brittany November 14, 2007 at 7:20 pm #

    not only is it ok, but i think it is to be expected! You went through a lot sister… and it will get easier with time… love you!

  12. ymp November 14, 2007 at 8:12 pm #

    That’s called being a real human, and especially a loving mother, nothing else.
    Feeling like this isn’t a reflection of your relationship with your sister or your niece (congratulations, btw) but of the love you have for your son.
    And, as I’m relatively new here, I am so sorry he died.

  13. Mrs. Flinger November 14, 2007 at 8:17 pm #

    Of course it’s alright. Of course. I hope you know that.

  14. Dawn November 14, 2007 at 10:18 pm #

    Yes. I think it’s okay too.

  15. Bre November 15, 2007 at 12:45 am #

    Of course it’s alright and of course it’s scary! What you feel can’t possibly be wrong, it’s an emotion and you deserve to honor it!

  16. ruby November 15, 2007 at 9:54 am #

    Its more than alright darling! You have been through something heartbreaking, its understandable for you to have mixed emotions right now. You are not a terrible person at all. *hug*

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