Elucidation

18 Nov

I am angry.  I have been for days.  This morning, as I was reading this post from CharmedGirl, it suddenly hit me.  I am angry.  Every moment that I feel better, that I get better, that I realize I haven’t been thinking of Aodin for whole moments at a time, I create tension inside.  I thought long and hard about why this was and couldn’t come up with anything for a long time.  I am being difficult, particularly with my parents, who have always had a bigger capacity than some to stress me out.

Last night we picked them up from the airport after their week house searching in Florida.  This was after I had a complete break down at poor Mr. Pants due mostly to the building stress of trying to figure out the logistics of the parental visit.  To make a long, and relatively trite, story much shorter…  I flipped out, they thought I was irrational (probably true, but who wants to hear it when you’re…  you know, irrational?) and then we moved on.  We picked them up.  My Dad called from the airport to fuss that we weren’t there yet.  He was kidding.  He kids like this all the time, but in that moment I just got cranky…  again.

They stayed the night and my brother is coming down to have breakfast with us.  He didn’t get out of bed as expected, so we aren’t actually going to end up eating until around 10:30 or so.   My parents were desperate for their morning coffee and asked to borrow the car.  I suggested they walk to the shop downtown, as it would be a faster and easier way to get their coffee and would probably be cheaper.  He decided that I meant I didn’t want him to take the car….  blah, blah, blah.

In the end it worked itself out, mostly by everyone deciding to ignore the supposed crankiness of everyone else.  My Dad thinks I am being crappy, and I think he’s being touchy.  But in the end, there is some anger in me.  It is born of fear.  I fear now that there will be a day when Aodin is not the first thing on my mind.  I worry about that day. I worry that when I finally wake up one morning and don’t immediately think of my son, I will have lost a little something of him, and I have so little of him already.

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6 Responses to “Elucidation”

  1. girlinthecrosswalk November 18, 2007 at 1:24 pm #

    Oh Hea. When you wake up one morning and don’t immediately think of someone, it doesn’t mean that you’ve lost anything of them. The morning you wake up and think about something else first, that is when you have truly gained them. People tend to think about others when they’re afraid of forgetting them, but when you know in your heart that you will never forget them your head doesn’t have to think anymore because they are burned into your heart forever. Don’t fear forgetting your son, fear is something your head conjures. He’s there, he’ll always be there, just let your heart take over.

  2. Coggy November 18, 2007 at 1:32 pm #

    The anger will pass and the crankyness, honest. Looking back over the last couple of months there are times when I realize how horrid I’ve been, especially to DH. Unfortunately we always lash out at the ones we love the most.
    I do know what you mean about losing Aodin if you don’t think of him all the time. I clung to my grief, the intense thinking about Jacob and everything that had happened, if I didn’t think about him I got really tense, like I was leaving him behind. I think when I say I don’t want to wake up and this be the first thing I think about I actually mean I don’t want the pain and the sadness to wake up to. I will always think of Jacob, everyday, but I’d like to wake up and thing oh I’m doing this or doing that today instead. Just to be able to give myself a break from the grief, because after just over two months of it I’m exhausted.
    P.S I love your pendant it’s a really beautiful keepsake.

  3. christavswonderwoman November 18, 2007 at 4:56 pm #

    I don’t have the experience some have of loss, but I did lose my father when I was young and I have to say dealing with that has been harder and harder as I get older.

    I don’t think of him every day, he is sometimes far from the front step of my mind, but he is always with me. He is the strength in my character at the same time as being the gaping hole in my life. I can safely say he is one of the most out and out important people in my life.

    Aodin will always be a massive part of you and sometimes he won’t be the first thing you think of. This is not wrong, this is natural progression. I hope you get there, H and you will.

    As for the crankiness, hey a little sniping never hurt anybody. Get it out of your system, it’s way better than bottling it. Pretty sure all the people who matter already understand that.

    X

  4. charmedgirl November 18, 2007 at 8:54 pm #

    irrational…totally. and you know it in the moment and don’t even care. you want to be MORE irrational just to get someone going enough to justify how friggin angry you are. and maybe even get to yell at something real, like a fight, and not at something not real, like a baby.

  5. brandy November 18, 2007 at 9:22 pm #

    Oh my dear. I think… I think what you are feeling is completely understandable. With that said, I look forward to the day that you wake up and you can have a minute, or two, or three- before you think of dear Aodin. Because grief isn’t supposed to be held so close to your heart forever. Letting him go, doesn’t mean you are leaving him behind. He will always be with you. And I know people say that, and it’s an easy sentence to skim over, but it’s true. He will ALWAYS be with you. Always. And the day that you wake up and your first thought isn’t necessarily of Aodin doesn’t mean you failed or you’ve forgotten him,… I think it just means you’ve found a way to transfer the anger and fear of grief into the acceptance of loss- you’ve found a way to make room in your life for him while still moving forward. And I think that’s okay. That’s better than okay I think. Of course, it’s much easier to say all of this than live it. Writing this out isn’t as good as saying it in person, and I’m sure there’s a million way to interpret what I’m saying but I hope you understand that I hope nothing but the best for you and that in time you find peace. And will be here reading until that happens (and afterwards too).

  6. rainypete November 19, 2007 at 1:36 pm #

    There will indeed come a time when you will be able to get through much of a day without thinking of him, but it is a time far off in the future. The hardest part of mourning the loss of anyone is the letting go. The bitter and painful part is that he is already gone, but will remain in your heart. Think of a treasured photo you keep in a box to keep it safe. You’ll take it out and look at it all the time at first, but eventually it will lie safe in its place for periods of time. It doesn’t go away nor does the picture change at all. It simply waits to be picked up and looked at once more. Such are the memories of the loved ones we lose. We will come to a time when we don’t even realize that we haven’t thought of them in days/weeks. Something reminds us of them and we look back fondly once more and are a little sad again. Looking away for a little bit can often make us see more upon our return that always staring.

    Hugs and good luck in clearing this hurdle. It’s one of the roughest on everyone else until you’re over it, and it’s the roughest to get over yourself as you don’t want to “walk away” from them.

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