Fully Alive

20 Nov

She’s glad for one day of comfort only because she has suffered.
Fully alive, more than most,
Ready to smile and love life.
Fully alive and she knows how to believe in futures.
— Flyleaf “Fully Alive”

I have been inspired lately, by so many things. I have so much to sy that I might not even be able to fit it into one post. I will try though. So that it has been said, my biggest inspirations of late have been Kris Carr from CrazySexyCancer, whose amazing and inspirational blog has given me a lot to think about, and Ashleigh, who wrote a beautiful post of thanks after losing her precious Owen in July.

I’ll begin with my own list of thanks, since so many people have given us so much. If that takes up too much of me, I’ll post again tomorrow with inspiration things I’ve found on CrazySexyCancer.

Thank yous:

  1. Aodin – you have taught us all so much about the value of love, life, and family. We all understand something more profound about beauty, perfection, and God. So few people ever get the chance to glimpse the face of an angel. Thank you.
  2. Aaron, known to all of you as Mr. Pants. After all of this, I think he deserves his real name. He has saved my life a hundred times over in the past days and weeks. He always knows just what to say, when to let me cry, when to make me laugh… He is patient and kind and so very, very strong. I have never been more in love, and he has proven himself to be the best father in the world. He refers to Aodin as his son, and speaks of him without hesitation, and sometimes with strong, silent tears. He is my world.
  3. My mom and Dad. They drove two hours to be with me in the hospital. They sat with me during the day, every day for the entire week that I was there, so that Aaron could go to work. They talked and smiled and kept me company. They watched crappy television with me, and they brought me candy and silly pens and crossword puzzles. At night, when Aaron came to be with me, they stayed at our house. They cleaned and did laundry and brought home leftovers to make sure Aaron was eating. They went home for the weekend, but drove the two hours back again when I called on Saturday to tell them Aodin’s heart had stopped. They both stayed up all night with us, through labor and pain medicine and pain. They cried with us and hugged us and called family and friends so that we didn’t have to. Since then they have been essential in our healing and survival. They check on us every day.
  4. My sister, Binx. She was here when my water broke, and she kept her head. She called my mother. She stayed behind when we went to the hospital. She walked and fed Savannah and then came to see me in the hospital. Even though she had to work the next day, she came all the way back to our house to pickup Savannah take her to my parents’ house. While I was in the hospital, she kept things clean and happy at my parents’ house, where two teenage boys, three dogs and two cats had to be managed. My parents were trying to sell their house, and she kept it beautiful while realtors brought people through. She proved to be an amazing, mature, strong woman.
  5. My brothers. They are just teenagers, and they definitely drove my sister crazy at points, but they were sweet and loving and called to check on me. They cried when we lost Aodin, and in their way they have shown themselves to be the sweet, loving boys I hoped they would be.
  6. My amazing family. So many of you called to check on us during our hospital stay, and then sent emails or cards when we came home. You all sent such fervent prayers, and I know that so many of you continue to do so every day. Without each of you, we would be a little lost. You sent beautiful flowers, you gave up time to drive to see us. You never, not for one instant let us forget that we are loved, supported, prayed for, and thought of.
  7. Brandi. We’ve never even met in real life, but you sent flowers. You called me in the hospital. You send us a beautiful card. You made us a beautiful knit cloth. Yes, I finally got it and I love it. You been so sweet and loving, and now I know exactly what a real friend is.
  8. Tara. We’ve been friends since high school and you have never let me down.
  9. Pete. We’ve never met either, but you’re another amazing person. You have sent us so many sweet notes and messages, offered endless support on my blog, and sent us those beautiful buttons. You even picked out flowers for him at your church service.

    We are forever thankful, and your family is so blessed to have you. Hug them for me.
  10. Scott and Jen. My cousins, who lost their son Ethan two years ago. Scott made an absolutely beautiful video that must have taken him forever to finish. He was so selfless to have done this, and I am sure it was a little sad for him and for his wife. We talk now about our little boys are causing trouble in Heaven.
  11. Christa. Yet another online friend who has proven to be SO priceless and amazing. You have written beautiful posts of support and love and admiration, and you are such an amazing woman. I can’t wait to meet you for real.
  12. Cebe. She was our nurse in the antepartum unit. She was smart and no-nonsense and excellent at her job. She was also loving and supportive and tearful when we lost Aodin. She came to visit me on the day I left the hospital, and she hugged me and promised me we would be alright. She’s one smart, fabulous woman.
  13. Dr. Ballard and Chrissy. The doctor and nurse who were with us through the night, the labor pains, and Aodin’s delivery. They were so sweet, so caring, so clearly determined to be sure I got through it as healthy and safe as possible. They also managed to get me in and out of minor surgery afterward without issue. Thanks to their expert care, I made it through this without one single medical snag.
  14. All of the beautiful people I’ve met on Angel Babies. You have all been through this in one way or another, and I cannot begin to explain how much comfort I have found in your words of sadness, joy, and healing.
  15. Caryn, for the beautiful gift she sent us, and the touching words of tribute she posted on her blog.
  16. Jean at work. She surprised me out of the blue with a beautiful bouquet and an unexpected sharing of her own loss.
  17. Mrs. Flinger, for some truly inspiring messages and support through my efforts to get healthy again. Plus, her blog is hilarious at a time when laughs are in short supply.
  18. Little Sister, who keeps me smiling with the tales of her own pregnancy adventure which, thank God and all the angles, is happy and healthy and safe. I love reading her updates.
  19. My fellow blog buddies who also have their own angel babies: Meg at the.para.graph, who is mommy to seven sweet angels, CharmedGirl, who lost her sweet Paige in September, Coggy, who lost Jacob two and a half months ago, Ashleigh, who is Mommy to her daughter and to her Owen, lost in September, and finally Erin, who lost her Birdie almost nine months ago now. Each of these women has made me laugh and cry, expressed feelings in words I couldn’t create, shared pain and sorrow, and shown mean that there is hope and love and life. Each of them is made up of something truly special, some combination of strength and love and wisdom that I learn from every day.
  20. Finally, to each of you – the ones who leave sweet comments, the ones who share stories and tears. Thanks to the ones who never say a word, but have ever offered a prayer. Thanks to those who have ever, for even one instant, carried us in their hearts. For every second that someone else carries us, we are not shouldering the burden alone. Thank you, to the people who offer smiles or hugs or kind thoughts, for making our burden lighter.

Okay… I definitely need a break after all of that. I will continue with my thoughts, this time inspired by CrazySexyCancer, tomorrow.


14 Responses to “Fully Alive”

  1. Bre November 20, 2007 at 10:57 pm #

    Heather this is such a gorgeous post. Seriously!

  2. rainypete November 20, 2007 at 11:46 pm #

    So much to treasure. You’re simply beautiful. You and Aaron rock! I tried hugging my family but may have to try again later. I just got home from work at the time and they said “Get away you’re stinky!”

  3. christavswonderwoman November 21, 2007 at 4:13 am #

    I love this, it’s so warm and heartfelt – I love you too my sweet, strong wonderful Heather!

    Can’t wait to meet you either.

    Ps. How weird and probably TMI but I was just relaxing in the bath and I was just thinking about you and Aaron and Aodin. Literally, five minutes ago and now I’m reading this! xx

  4. Coggy November 21, 2007 at 11:30 am #

    I’m not having much of a grateful day today but your post has put a smile on my face

    See here it is

  5. ashleigh November 21, 2007 at 11:56 am #

    this is lovely. i am thankful for you as well. your insightful commets on my blog and your willingness to share your journey- good and bad have touched me- probably more than you know

  6. Brandi November 21, 2007 at 12:06 pm #

    I love you, H. You are a true friend. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. ❤

  7. Not So Little Sister November 21, 2007 at 6:37 pm #

    Thanks, Heather. I’m glad you started reading my blog in the first place so that we “met”. I always worry reading my blog will be too much, but I’m happy you keep coming around. Hugs. 🙂

  8. meg November 21, 2007 at 6:41 pm #

    I’m so glad that you have such a great support system with your husband and family!

  9. c. November 21, 2007 at 7:55 pm #

    Wow. To find so much to feel thankful for in all this sorrow. Your post is beautiful…

  10. girlinthecrosswalk November 21, 2007 at 8:02 pm #

    Happy TG! That was beautiful. BTW, thank you for pointing out CrazySexyCancer to me. I love it too. 🙂

  11. Ruby November 22, 2007 at 10:18 am #

    That’s so warm and heartfelt, so good that you have such a great family around you.

  12. Mom November 23, 2007 at 11:00 am #

    What can I say….you are soooo MY GIRL!!! I love you more than words can say! So much more than words can say!

    What an amazing woman you have become!
    Kisses, Mommy

  13. Lisa November 23, 2007 at 3:51 pm #

    I agree with everyone else…truly a lovely post.

    I’m grateful to people like you Heather…who were there for me when I went through some trying times this year when I had cancer.

    Your thoughtfulness and caring…and cheesecake from Lindy’s were what got me through a very difficult time…and I thank you for that.

    It pains me that I don’t know what I can do for you to make this time easier. Although I don’t comment, I lurk and you are in my thoughts all of the time.

    You truly are amazing…believe in that.

  14. brandy November 25, 2007 at 2:34 am #

    Lovely Heather! This is such a great post and one that I’m glad that you’ve shared. You, my friend, are fantastic.

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