Through the Doors

28 Nov

11.28.07 Through the Doors

Through these doors is the hospital room where I stayed, the place where I hoped and prayed and lost. Behind those doors is the hallway down which I was wheeled on the day I left the hospital. I was pushed past the entrance to the pediatric unit, through these doors, and back out into the world.

I was back today for my postpartum appointment. It was… good and bad.  

The bad: the girl who checked me in didn’t read my chart first, so she asked where my baby was. This utterly fragmented my carefully crafted peace-of-mind and I fell apart. I felt bad for her more than anything else. She didn’t know, and 99% of the time a postpartum visit means a woman with a baby… I just wasn’t expecting to have to say “we lost him” today. I also spent ten minutes waiting for the doctor while listening to the exam of the pregnant woman across the hall… I can tell you with certainty that her baby had a strong, healthy heartbeat… and so too did mine, once. I wonder if maybe they should consider sectioning off the office by pregnant or not…

The good: I am totally healthy. I have no physical issues and no reason to think there will be problems with future pregnancies. That being said, I was also reassured that my next pregnancy will be met with extra care, extra office visits, and extra care and attention on the part of the doctors. That was nice to hear, and it means we can think about trying again sometime soon. Aaron and I talked long and hard about it, and we’ve decided it will be at least February or March before we’re ready emotionally and financially to start over. We have major hospital bills to face, and my student loans go into repayment in December… so we want to be out from under all of that before jumping into another pregnancy. I also know I am not quite ready emotionally, so I am content to wait.

————————————————————————————————————————–

I’m watching Oprah right now… I know… this is why I should go to work, because I swear I would watch this crap ALL DAY. However, today it is all about weight loss. Normally I am inspired by these shows, but today it is just making me feel like crap. I feel pretty bad about my body right now…

I came home from the hospital heavier than ever, carrying some extra pregnancy and fluid weight. I also came home determined to do things right, so I started to eat better. In the first two weeks I lost twelve pounds, mostly of fluid and pregnancy weight. At some point I fell back into my typical patterns (emotions=eating) and now I think I have gotten right back up to that top weight. I barely have the energy to function, let alone care about weight issues, so I eat too much of the wrong things and I cry. I feel pitiful and pathetic. I don’t even know where to begin. It is such a familiar cycle for me… I do well, I fall off, I give up, I eat until I feel gross, I get sad, I get desperate, I try again, I do well, I fall off……. and nothing ever changes, except that my top weight goes up.

Just talking about it makes me tired.

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9 Responses to “Through the Doors”

  1. Bre November 28, 2007 at 6:51 pm #

    I’m sorry that your visit was so hard – they surely should do something to take into consideration the emotions that you were experiencing! I’m glad to see that you’re healthy and well!

  2. c. November 28, 2007 at 7:41 pm #

    You are much braver than I. I skipped out on my postpartum appt. A waiting room full of happy moms and live babies was just too much for me to take. I’m sorry it was so difficult for you. I’m sorry that the girl who checked you in didn’t read your chart.

  3. christavswonderwoman November 28, 2007 at 8:35 pm #

    The way you describe that cycle: that is me. Right there.

    I am so sorry you have had such an emotional day but again I am impressed with the way in which you are dealing with things. To even be able to discuss trying again, starting over, the near future, H – you an inspiration to every woman, whether that woman is experiencing loss or not.

    Your strength is so very attractive.

    I too, am really happy you are so healthy.

  4. girlinthecrosswalk November 29, 2007 at 1:09 am #

    I love you! And I’m so proud of you. You went to your appointment. You could have skipped it and stayed home in the dark crying, but you went, you survived it, and that’s something to be proud of.

    Also, because maybe in some weird way this will make you feel better about your emotional eating. While, no, it’s not healthy to eat because of emotions, it’s better to eat because of emotions. At least you’re not, not eating because of emotions. Because not eating is far, far unhealthier. So, you have a little extra poundage. You’re still a beautifully curvy, confident woman and none of us would want you any other way. As long as you keep yourself feeling healthy and happy (or close to happy right now…) you’ll be absolutely fine. Don’t cry at those numbers, don’t even look at them.

  5. Caryn November 29, 2007 at 2:37 am #

    OMG. So need to find the girl who checked you in and kick her in the head.

    I agree with Christa, though, Heather. You are an inspiration. Even on your “bad” days… you are so much stronger than many of us would be. I wonder if you get tired of hearing people say how strong you are? 🙂 You know… you’re allowed to have those “bad” days, too. You’re allowed to have days where you’re not strong and not positive… those days help you heal, too.

    *hugs* Know I’m thinking of you often.

  6. meg November 29, 2007 at 10:26 am #

    I’m glad you’re check up was good–health wise, but so sorry that you had to go through that experience with the person not checking your chart. Honestly, the doctors should figure these things out. I am going next Monday for my big follow up and the doctor booked in on a day when she sees no other patients, so I just go to her office. I think she “gets it” a little more because she’s a high risk doctor. I didn’t have the same compassion from my regular OB after my twins died. I mean they were nice, but I had to sit there with all the pregnant women.

  7. Not So Little Sister November 29, 2007 at 12:05 pm #

    You’re strong and you’re going to be okay. You just have to remember that! We put our treadmill basically in front of the tv so we really don’t have an excuse to not get on it. Find something to do while you watch Oprah if that will make you feel better. Thinking of you…

  8. Coggy November 29, 2007 at 3:05 pm #

    I’m glad things went well with you check up too, in the medical sense not the emotional sense. Going to appointments like this takes guts and you have those by the bucket load.
    Please don’t beat yourself up you are a very beautiful woman heather and you should remember EVERY TIME you look in the mirror.
    hugs C x x x

  9. charmedgirl November 30, 2007 at 10:05 pm #

    my heart fell seeing those doors, even thought they weren’t mine. well, really, they’re all of ours, i guess.

    the eating thing…yeah. i know. sometimes that’s the worst of it.

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