Just Call Me Molly Sunshine…

31 Jan

Yesterday, while sitting in the dentist’s chair (before he tried to cut off my lip), I started shaking. It’s a pretty normal reaction to fear for me, particularly at the dentist’s office. I start to shiver like I am freezing, and I do get a little cold, and then I cannot stop myself from shaking.

When it happened yesterday, I had a completely unexpected flashback to the morning of Saturday, October 6th.

It was my sixth day in the hospital, and Aodin’s heartbeat was still strong and steady, though there had been some little inconsistencies in the Doppler readings starting the night before.

I woke up. I ate my breakfast. I started to shake. Nothing particular set it off. In fact, I had been feeling pretty healthy and positive, if understandably worried, leading up to this point. When I couldn’t stop shivering, the nurses brought in super warm blankets and covered me in them. It started to help, but then I knew… from somewhere deep and instinctual, that I was losing him.

The doctor came to see me. He pronounced the unstoppable shivering as a sure symptom of infection, which had invaded despite my system being absolutely flooded with antibiotics. By 6pm, there was no heartbeat left to hear.

I hate the dentist.

I am beginning to fear the four month mark as it rapidly approaches, pushing darkness and unbidden memories ahead of it as it comes. I am afraid it will swallow me.

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10 Responses to “Just Call Me Molly Sunshine…”

  1. Ruby January 31, 2008 at 1:55 pm #

    *hug*

  2. meg January 31, 2008 at 3:04 pm #

    I think you might be a little bit right about the 4 month thing. I am in the midst of that myself.

    I am so sorry that you had a flashback. How horrible. The infection thing is truly a terrifying experience. Every single part of it.

  3. Not So Little Sister January 31, 2008 at 3:16 pm #

    Well first, I hate the dentist too. I have to go next month and I am not looking forward to it. But this post was about more than not liking the dentist. I’m sorry the pain is still so raw and fresh at times. Of course it is, but I wish I had something good to say. I think about you often and am always amazed at how strong and resilient you are. ((((HH))))

  4. Caryn January 31, 2008 at 5:57 pm #

    I’m so sorry. *hugs and love*

  5. christavswonderwoman January 31, 2008 at 8:13 pm #

    There is no way we will let it swallow you up, Heather – consider this: there is a long, long rope made of blankets already ready to pull you back up out of any hole that you find yourself in.

    Again, I cannot profress to know what you are going through, but I am going to do my darndest, with all your other wonderful friends, to make sure you get through this.

    Beautiful post, as always.

  6. christavswonderwoman January 31, 2008 at 8:13 pm #

    Ps. The dentist SUCKS!

  7. girlinthecrosswalk January 31, 2008 at 9:58 pm #

    This is going to sound totally crazy. When you get the shakey feeling do you feel like your insides are shaking or is it just your whole body???

    Also, I love you. And so does everyone and we won’t let it swallow you. I’ll personally kick that mother fucker in the mouth with my beat up Converse shoes.

  8. irunwithscissors January 31, 2008 at 11:18 pm #

    im soo sorry about the dentist,

    and even more sorry that you are having such a hard time right now! But, it wont swallow you… youve got too many people hanging onto you! love you sister!

  9. Mom February 1, 2008 at 10:05 am #

    I’ll eat you up I love you so!!!

  10. Wondy February 1, 2008 at 6:44 pm #

    I want to get together a lynch mob for that muthahumping dentist! Bagsy being the one carrying the torch!

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