25 Feb

Aodin’s due date is exactly one week from today.  I wonder if he would have been early or late, content or impatient, laid back like his Daddy or hyper like me.  I wonder what color his eyes would have been and what his voice would sound like.  I wonder how it would be to take him home, soft and warm and smelling of powder and special baby smells.  I wonder what it would feel like to carry him in my arms instead of my heart.

I wonder who he would have looked like, though I can say with some certainty that I think it would have been his sweet Daddy.  I wonder if he would have been tall like Aaron, or had thick, wavy hair like mine.

I wonder how I would have managed to do anything those first couple of days except stare at his perfect, tiny face.

I wonder how I can survive without him.


11 Responses to “Incoming”

  1. christavswonderwoman February 25, 2008 at 4:52 pm #

    Oh darling, I wonder these things too, from time to time, but you know something, you will survive this, because he would want you to, you have to be strong and healthy for the next babies that come into your life, who will answer all these questions for you.

    Aodin is going to help you through it all, I’m certain of that.

    I love you so much, you are constantly in my thoughts, and even those silly little conversations I have with my God are all about you.


  2. meg February 25, 2008 at 5:07 pm #

    I’ll be thinking of you in the next week. I know how truly hard this is.

  3. egan February 25, 2008 at 5:11 pm #

    Aodin’s due date, wow… that’s going to be a tough one. I’m sure your mind is all over the place. Your blog is so inspirational in ways you never imagined. It teaches us to not take things for granted, not just children.. but our loved ones. Thanks for this.

  4. c. February 25, 2008 at 6:40 pm #

    We’ve lost so much, it’s hard to believe that we’ll ever be okay without them. And I don’t think we will, not for a long while. Surviving, though, is a whole other thing. You’re surviving now. XO.

  5. Amy February 25, 2008 at 7:03 pm #

    You are surviving with out him. I know it is the most difficult thing you have done and hopefully the most difficult thing you ever do. My dear, you say it all with such grace and hope and you inspire me. I miss Aodin for you, I miss him because I wish, I could have met you both in a different fashion. I love that I “know” you this way but I would love to know you in a different world/life/however you would like to put it.

    I think of you everyday and I will think of you more knowing that your “due” date is around the corner. We have 1 month from tomorrow for Williams…dreading that myself. I know that I will manage somehow. More than likely with my wonderful Shan and my fab friends in blogland!

  6. Not So Little Sister February 25, 2008 at 7:18 pm #

    Oh Heather. I can’t imagine how hard this is for you right now…I wish there was something better to say. I agree with your sister (that’s your sister, right?). Aodin would want you to get through this and he will help you get through this. I hope you can find some peace. Lots and lots of hugs. You’re in my thoughts…

  7. irunwithscissors February 25, 2008 at 10:56 pm #

    I love you sister… your in my thoughts!

  8. Becca February 26, 2008 at 11:02 am #

    I’m thinking of you too. I am beginning to have these thoughts too. I often think if the twins would have been born, and I wonder how wonderful but chaotic life would be.

  9. Mom February 26, 2008 at 8:06 pm #

    Oh baby girl – you will get through it because I will have it no other way! I’ll be your strenght, your life line, your companion and whatever else you may need me to be. I will laugh with you, cry with you, hold you up – and we will love our sweet little man eternally! We will thank Heaven above that we knew him and know him still and that he was our FIRST baby/grandson – there couldn’t have been a better first wee one!!!

  10. Sarah February 28, 2008 at 7:17 pm #

    I have hestitated about sharing this with you, but I think that now may be the time for you to hear it. My mother had two miscarriages in the two years before I was conceived. I have reminisced with her about this would-have-been siblings, and she always reminds me that I would not have been conceived had those babies decided to stick around. She lost two but is oh so grateful to have me. Mourn for your Aodin, but please remember that there is a special baby just waiting to join your family, and Aodin has taught you so many things.

  11. rainypete February 28, 2008 at 10:46 pm #

    You will survive as you have survived thus far. Instinct, heartache and love have carried you here and will carry you for years to come. The brief time you got with him have shaped in ways you will discover in years to come and I’m completely thinking of you in this.

    Take care and let the whole deal overtake you and enjoy the love and family that you are blessed with. Aodin will be there with you all as well.


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