Questions

25 Mar

In order of importance, least to most:

  1. Can I get a big w00t for my iPod, which should arrive this week?
  2. Exactly how much cyst pain is enough to warrant skipping the gym?  Let’s say a 1-10 scale, where 1 is “barely feel it” and 10 is “hurts to breathe.”
  3. How come people on the bus are forever sitting on me?  When they get on in the mornings and sit next to me, they sit ON the edge of my leg.  Then they proceed to not move, as though they are somehow unaware that they are sitting ON ME.  Is there a whole race of people out there with especially numb butts?
  4. What am I supposed to say to people when they ask if we have children?  I very much want to hear from both sides here.  What do other loss moms say?  What would you, as someone who has not lost a child be comfortable with hearing?

Yesterday, a pregnant coworker asked if we had kids and I said “not yet.”  I said it because I don’t know her that well and didn’t want to get into it.  I also said it because she is very happy about her pregnancy and I didn’t want to cloud it.  But then I felt guilty, like I should have said something… like I had done Aodin some kind of disservice.  This morning on the bus a woman asked and, due in some part to yesterday’s feelings, I told her we had a son that died last year.  She said “Oh honey, I am so sorry,” and the genuine depth of feeling in her voice almost made me cry.  It felt good to say it, and to hear that she, who has children of her own, was genuinely touched by it.

She went on to have a normal conversation with me after that, and managed not to coddle me like a broken thing.  I guess that is part of my hesitation too.  I don’t want to be treated like a circus freak or a plague carrier.

I am just me, a girl with a chipped heart.

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9 Responses to “Questions”

  1. Amy March 25, 2008 at 10:18 am #

    Woot! For the ipod! The a** being numb thing is just funny! As for the 4th question…
    I say “yes, we have a son, William, he was our first and he was stillborn December, 13 of last year.” It either shuts them up or gets the response you got. More often than not it gets the response you got.

    I too had the same experience of denying that I had a child, I then too felt so sad and angry that the above answer is now what I use all the time.

    I hope you figure out what you would like to say to people and get a warm response in return.

  2. girlinthecrosswalk March 25, 2008 at 10:40 am #

    One: Woot, woot!

    Two: 1-10 are all perfectly acceptable levels for skipping…

    Three: It’s cold out… they’re secretly trying to warm their butts up.

    Four: I think you should play it by ear. It’s not a disservice to Aodin and I think he would understand that sometimes it is hard to explain to people that you do have a child but that he’s a little angel spirit. Do what makes you feel ok.

    <3.

  3. Brandi March 25, 2008 at 11:57 am #

    Hooray for iPods! I’m so excited that you decided to get one. I think it will help keep you company at the gym. 🙂

    As for the gym, I agree with girlinthecrosswalk – all levels are okay for skipping. Pain is pain, hon. Take it easy and get some rest.

    Bus people are weird – thanks for not being one of the weird ones. 🙂

    I understand your answer about children in both situation, hon. It is a tough one. Not having children yet and being an expectant mother, hearing that you have a child in heaven would warm my heart – even if I didn’t know you.

    So, that is my two… err… four cents on everything. ❤

  4. g March 25, 2008 at 2:36 pm #

    1. omg, woot! People actually live without ipods? I’m confused.

    2. Pain is pain, but you know when you are using cyst pain as your excuse. Trust yourself. Even just a short walk on the treadmill can help with the pain (aren’t I annoying, please tell me to go to the gym, my excuses are a lot less valid nowadays)

    3. Loser cruiser woes. Icky. Get your ass off me!

    4. You have already answered yourself. Just play it by ear. I mostly just say “not yet” and if they leave at that, I leave it at that. If they get snarky, I like to tell them well, we do but he died. Then they sit there and try to figure out how to remove their foot from their mouth.
    But I don’t really feel the whole disservice to my son thing, so I guess you can ignore me 😉

  5. CLC March 25, 2008 at 4:16 pm #

    I was going to address your last question, but I think g is right and that you have already answered it. I think about that all the time because I know I should have a response ready, but luckily I haven’t been asked yet. My husband has and I think he bases his answer on whether he thinks he will see the person again. If so, he will say he just lost his first child. If he thinks it’s unlikely, he just says no children yet rather than deal with the awkwardness.

    I hate the awkwardness of others the most I think. Like why do we need to worry about someone else’s comfort when we are in so much pain? Sorry to get sidetracked!

  6. bastet3 March 25, 2008 at 4:34 pm #

    I totally hate those bus people that don’t seem to care that they’re up in your stuff. Like it’s your idea of fun to have someone else’s butt partially on you.

  7. Wondy March 25, 2008 at 6:39 pm #

    Me too, G just said all that has to be said about mentioning Aodin. I think you already know when or if you want to bring it up.

    I’d be comfortable with any answer – and I think it is really nice sometimes to be reminded by strangers that there really is true compassion still out there in this busy world.

    There are such unbelievably gorgeous individuals walking amoung us, sometimes it takes your loss to bring them out.

    x x

  8. tash March 25, 2008 at 7:18 pm #

    I hate this question. I’m just buying a t-shirt that says “NONE OF YOUR F’NG BIZ”

  9. Brandee March 26, 2008 at 7:20 am #

    1. Woot woot for iPods!

    2. I think ANY cyst pain is a good excuse for skipping the gym… Has working out made it more painful for you before? It has for me, and I’d hate for you to be in more pain afterwards!

    3. Haha, I like how this is more important in your list than the cyst pain! Maybe they just want to be close to you… put your arm around them, see what happens. :]

    4. I wouldn’t worry about what would make other people comfortable -say what YOU’RE comfortable bringing up in each situation.

    xoxo

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