Intentions

26 Mar

I was going to post about the two hour presentation at work today that everyone found so profound but I found to be based on common sense and general human decency and, as such, a waste of time.

I was going to post about the wine class I am taking tonight with my precious Bex. I think I will enjoy it.

Of course, the things you intend to do don’t always happen.

I was going to have a baby too. And I do, but not at all in the way I thought I would. And so…

My sweet little man –

I miss you always, but especially today. I don’t know why. It is not a particular holiday or anniversary. It is not a special day for me at all… but all the same I am fighting tears.

I guess some days are just harder than others.  Some days I feel your loss more completely than others.  Today, it is bittersweet… as maybe it always is.

I miss you.  I ache for you.

There is no more I can say here… not without the torrent of tears breaking through, smearing my carefully applied makeup and leaving trails of gray streaming down my cheeks and onto my clean and neat work blouse.

I hope you know…

Now please, before it sounds like I am only sad today, let me say something else.  Today I am also celebrating.  I am thrilled, overjoyed, and otherwise happy to congratulation a special new friend by welcoming her beautiful, perfect daughter, Julianna Iris, into the world.  Please go and leave her happy well wishes.

I hope you know, I hope SHE knows, that this does NOTHING to hurt me.  It is absolutely not the cause of my particular missing of Aodin today.  Little Julianna is, and will forever be, nothing but a sweet blessing.  To me, she is only a reminder of the amazing joy that a baby can bring, and I wish her and her family nothing but the best.

I hope she is doing well, feeling well, loving life, both Ms. Julianna and her sweet mommy and daddy.

See, this post turned out to be a happy one after all.  Thanks, little man.  I guess you do know.

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4 Responses to “Intentions”

  1. Not So Little Sister March 26, 2008 at 11:24 am #

    love you…and aodin too. i’ve been thinking about you both a lot.

  2. c. March 26, 2008 at 7:34 pm #

    That’s exactly what I heart about you, H., even in the midst of your pain and heartache, you can see the positive in things such as these.

    I am sorry that you are especially missing Aodin today. How I wish you didn’t have to. Thinking of you.

    PS Have fun making some wine.

  3. Amy March 27, 2008 at 6:09 am #

    I am so sorry that I didn’t catch up with you yesterday. Only excuse, I was in bed! Williams origonal due date was yesterday.

    I know how hard it is to miss our boys. I do so hope that they are playing together in that great place called heaven.

    Much love, Amy

  4. Becky March 27, 2008 at 3:21 pm #

    *hugs*

    What a sweet kid your Aodin is.

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