Lately I have been spending about ten minutes in the bathroom at work every day crying.
Am I letting myself cry, or making myself cry? I don’t really know. By “making” I don’t mean forcing, but it is possible that I am knowingly putting myself into situations where I know I will cry… sometimes it’s continuing to read a blog post after I’ve already started to tear up. Sometimes it’s letting that song play on my iPod even though it’s guaranteed to cause weeping. Sometimes it is writing out a blog post to my son that is sure to bring the leaky eye.
This has been going on for about a week and a half now, and before that I would cry occasionally, but certainly not every day. I just don’t know…
Am I hurting things, setting back the healing process? Is this the healing process? Am I an insane person? Otherwise, I feel pretty normal and stable, and Aaron says that overall I seem positive and healthy. Do I need to see someone?
Am I broken?
In other news —
I went back to the gym yesterday. I managed fifteen minutes on the elliptical before my feet hurt too badly to continue. This is a problem I was having before… my arches would start to hurt terribly and my toes would go numb. I got new shoes, specifically recommended for women’s training, but then yesterday it was just as bad as ever. It happens on the treadmill too, though not as bad. On the stationery bike I get the numbness but much less pain.
Today I didn’t make it to the gym at all. By the time I got downstairs, the cyst pain was so bad that I took the elevator back up and am now properly ensconced in my desk chair for the rest of the afternoon.