In My Head

12 Apr

An angel opened up the book of life to record the baby’s birth and whispered as she closed the book, “too beautiful for earth.”

My sister came and spent the night with us last night, and then stayed to hang out today. Unfortunately, the weather was sort of gross, so we spent the day walking around the mall. All the same, we had a nice time. I managed to find some fun things on sale to bring home as well. I found magnetic butterflies made from feathers that I am planning to take to work to dress up my filing cabinet. I also, finally, got some wine corks. I got the fancy sort that come with a pump to vacuum out the air. Both were on sale, so I feel pretty good about it.

Afterward, I burst in to tears in the window of Pottery Barn Kids, where they had this display. The safari nursery, though much nicer than I would have been able to afford, was exactly what I wanted for Aodin. I don’t know why it hit me so hard… but it did. Luckily, my husband and sister were wonderful and made me laugh before I lost it entirely, thus saving me from mid-mall breakdown.

Lately it seems I have been having little flashbacks… movies playing in my head, showing me flashes of sorrow, pain, fear. But it isn’t all bad. In fact, I cherish the memories of holding Aodin, of singing to him as I fell asleep each night in the hospital. I begged him to stay, but in my heart somewhere I think I knew he couldn’t. I may not understand, but I suppose I don’t have to.

Today the sky is gray and rainy, and I can’t help thinking it is doing my crying for me. Thanks for easing the burden, Mr. Sky.

Tomorrow I will be heading out early to be at Rachel’s house by 9am. We’ll have some breakfast and then head out for some (hopefully) restrained Spring shopping before I come back with her to help her prepare for a family dinner. I always have a wonderful time with Rachel, so I know tomorrow will be awesome as usual.

Hugs to you all…

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7 Responses to “In My Head”

  1. Amy April 12, 2008 at 7:14 pm #

    Those flashback “movies” hurt the most. And yes, I think that Mr. Sky must have helped us all out today!

    I am glad that you are having a good weekend and hope that you have mildly restrained shopping tomorrow and have fun!

    Much love and peace,
    Amy

  2. MOM April 12, 2008 at 7:58 pm #

    And the Angel was wise, but shed a tear as she knew the mommy’s heart would ache, but smiled as she knew the mommy’s purity and beauty and knew that never was a child more loved –

  3. Becky April 12, 2008 at 8:54 pm #

    Hugs to you, too.

  4. irunwithscissors April 13, 2008 at 9:06 am #

    love and hugs!

  5. Not So LIttle Sister April 13, 2008 at 9:55 am #

    Hugs. I’ve been thinking about you.

  6. c. April 14, 2008 at 1:59 pm #

    Awww, H. That makes me sad. The tears come at the strangest times, at times. I’m glad you had your sister and hubby to make you laugh as you felt such hurt. I hope Sunday was as wonderful as you hoped it would be. XO.

  7. Antigone April 18, 2008 at 8:55 am #

    I’m so glad you weren’t alone in that mall. I’m coming to realize that these horrible memories and thoughts are always going to be with us.

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