Sunday Mourning

12 May

I have a secret.

I enjoyed my first Mothers Day.

It was nothing like I was expecting.  I had a hard time in the morning, burdened by the unhappy realization that I would never get a sloppy card with misspelled words, a macaroni necklace, or even a hug from Aodin.  I would never look into his sweet face while he wished me a Happy Mother’s Day or told me he loved me.

But that’s alright.  It’s not what I thought it would be and it is certainly not what I wanted, but it is the way it is.  And I am okay.  Really.

After a Saturday spent at a great local wine festival, from which we returned bearing two great bottles of wine, we had a beautiful Sunday.  Aaron woke me up by wrapping his arms around me and whispering “Happy Mommy’s Day” in my ear.  Then he took me out to breakfast at my favorite local coffee place.  In the afternoon, we met his mom and spent some time with his Gramma as well.  We listened to a clarinet concert at her assisted living facility and spent some time chatting in her room.

In the evening, we saw Baby Mama.  It was funny and I enjoyed it.  Not life changing or poignant, but funny.  And then, as the lights came up and people began to file out of the theater, I totally lost it.  I cried and cried.  I ran to the bathroom, where I cried off all of my eye makeup and made the other bathroom users feel uncomfortable.

I missed my son.  I was suddenly torn apart by not having him to hold, to raise, to watch as he grows.  I felt angry and empty and cheated.  I cried for a good fifteen minutes.  And then, as suddenly as it had come, the tears passed and I felt peace.

Genuine, quiet, beautiful peace.  I’d like to believe it was a hug from my sweet son, a reassurance that I AM a mom, a GOOD one, and nothing can take that from me.

I ended the day, and my weekend, feeling calm and loved.  Aaron was fantastic and supportive throughout, not once trying to stop me from being sad.  He let it come, waited it out, and made me laugh once it had passed.

I am so lucky to have him.  I have never been more in love.

12 Responses to “Sunday Mourning”

  1. mrs.spit May 12, 2008 at 3:45 pm #

    Thanks for sharing that.

  2. girlinthecrosswalk May 12, 2008 at 3:57 pm #

    🙂 I’m glad you enjoyed your Mommy’s Day… even if you needed to cry for some of it. There’s a card in the big blue mailbox coming to your house.

  3. Wondy May 12, 2008 at 7:11 pm #

    Love you. So much.

  4. tash May 12, 2008 at 7:16 pm #

    Aw, this warms me. So glad. And for the record, you have the strength of millions because you could not drag me alive to that movie. I think peace is really all we can ask for.

  5. Amy May 12, 2008 at 7:35 pm #

    I am glad that Aodin, gave you a hug. I am sad that you were sad. I am thinking of you and am really glad that you have Aaron!

    Expect a package in the next 3 days! You know what it is and it’s on it’s way!

    Much love and peace, Amy

  6. CLC May 12, 2008 at 9:26 pm #

    I am glad you enjoyed yesterday. Aaron sounds like a gem!

  7. sunshin3girl May 13, 2008 at 3:54 am #

    This is my first time on your blog and this post made me read some of your older posts too. I usually just read the posts and drift away but you are such a brilliant woman that I have to stay and tell you so. You are not just a very brave person (most of us are even if we do not know), you are also an extremely optimistic person. I admire you and hope the very best for you.

  8. Becky May 13, 2008 at 8:20 am #

    Happy Mommy’s Day to you. It sounds like a peaceful day, and that makes me happy.

  9. bastet3 May 13, 2008 at 5:18 pm #

    I’m happy that you had a good mother’s day, I think you’re a great mom!

  10. antigone May 13, 2008 at 7:05 pm #

    We had a good Saturday. I just slept through Sunday.

  11. c. May 14, 2008 at 1:36 pm #

    Sounds like a peaceful day, H. Glad it could be so. XO.

  12. Coggy May 15, 2008 at 4:49 pm #

    I’m glad Mother’s day wasn’t too tough on you. I think it’s natural to have these moments when everything precipitates and you have to let it out. I’m glad you have such an a lovely husband to help you get through all this x

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