Right Now

20 Jun

I intended this to be a post about something a little more serious, which it will eventually be, but I have to start with something else.  I actually think I have talked about this before, but this makes my skin crawl:

It’s just a fern, and the dots on the bottom are the spores, but ACK!   SKIN CRAWLING, SCALP ITCHING, STOMACH FLOPPING!  I think it has something to do with my fear of biological holes, which I swear I have blogged about but now can’t find.

In short, I am freaked out by certain naturally occurring holes.  Not like nose holes or mouths or anything, but other things.  Once I got all skeeved at dinner because of the way a head of roasted garlic looks after you dig out the cloves.

Okay, I tried to find a picture but I got completely creep-crawly and had to stop looking.

See… me=freak.

Make me feel better.  Tell me about your weird phobias.


Okay, on to the original post…


This morning I discovered something.  I am totally an in-the-moment girl.  I live for right now, and I am just now realizing how many ways that effects me.

  • I sometimes have a hard time with jobs.  Mostly, I can’t think about the long term benefit, and instead am consumed by thinking about what I would rather be doing RIGHT NOW.
  • Weight loss is tough for me.  I have a hard time hanging on to what I will look like/feel like later.  I need results RIGHT NOW.
  • I have money issues.  I don’t save well, and I spend too much on unimportant things.  When I want something RIGHT NOW, I have a tough time remembering that I might need that money to pay a bill later.
  • Religion/faith is an odd place for me.  If pressed, I would definitely say I believe in something bigger… something more far-reaching than just us.  I don’t know if I would call it God… not so much because I don’t like the term.  More because I don’t define it the way most people do and I want to avoid confusion.  I can’t really think too much about the afterlife or what will happen to me when I die.  I am more concerned with what I am doing RIGHT NOW.
  • I still can’t really picture myself getting older.  As I kid, I was absolutely unable to fathom the concept of myself as any older than RIGHT NOW.  I could imagine generalizations, but I could never picture ME being any different than I was at that moment.  I am still that way.  Picturing myself at 50 or 70 or 90 is absolutely impossible for me.  I can only think about other people who already are that age.  I can’t even really conceive of other younger people getting older.  Aaron at 62?  No concept.
  • Oddly, I am still a planner and list-maker.  You’d think someone with so little long term vision would have issues with lists and plans, but what can I say?  I’m complex.  That being said, my lists almost always comprise things I need to do that day or week.  The only longer term lists I’ve made are the yearly resolution lists on the blog.  As for planning, I tend to think out my day, my week… even out to my year, but no farther.

Yes, I am a conundrum… or a freak.

4 Responses to “Right Now”

  1. Becky June 20, 2008 at 11:14 am #

    Okay, so phobias? Oh child, I have many.

    I’m completely phobic of earwigs–the bugs? I had an open can of Coke one summer and I went to take a swig, and you know what? AN EARWIG WAS HIDING IN IT.

    It was alive! And squirmed around in my mouth.

    I’m nearly vomiting as I type this.

  2. Caryn June 20, 2008 at 2:02 pm #

    I have a weird thing about eyeballs. I can touch my own, but would prefer other people not touch theirs. Oh, and I’m deathly afraid of the possibility of them popping out. There was an ER episode once where some guy’s eyeball popped out and was just hanging there. I’ve got goosebumps just typing this. I almost threw up.

    As for the freak in you. lol. I have some of those issues, too. I always tell James that I’m all about instant gratification. I’m annoyed that in a little over a month, I’ve barely lost 5lbs. That’s really not bad, but I want to be skinny and cute now. Why? Because I want to shop for new clothes. Now. My current clothes don’t fit right, but I plan to get thinner, so I shouldn’t buy new clothes yet. But damnit, I want them now.

    And the only reason we have savings/retirement/etc. is because of my husband. I used to live paycheck to paycheck, and still would be if I hadn’t gotten married. I figure, there’s such a good possibility that I won’t make it to retirement (my family has such bad genes), that I don’t want to save money that I could be spending now. heh.

    So if you’re a freak, I’m a freak. 🙂

  3. mahalasmandolin June 20, 2008 at 3:22 pm #

    Nope, nope, nope. I think you’re just totally normal. The in the moment thing, that’s everyone. Or maybe I just think the same way and have no concept of any other way of being. haha.

    Weird phobias: Oh geez. Different foods that shouldn’t be touching, touching.

    P.S. Guess who!

  4. Luminous Hailer Star June 22, 2008 at 12:19 pm #

    Weird Phobias:

    1. I have an irrational fear of falling on ice and breaking my front teeth. I do not know where this fear came from as I’ve never smacked my mouth on anything hard enough to break teeth before. (Though I did have an incident where after they pulled my wisdoms my mouth started bleeding and I didn’t know it because my whole mouth was still so numb and I only figured it out because red spots dripped onto my shirt. Sorry, I know thats’ gross but said incident freaked me out…maybe that’s where the irrational fear of breakage comes from).

    2. I don’t like people touching my eyes. In fact, when anyone else does my eye make up, I usually end up holding the wrist of their free hand. I don’t think I’d try to break their wrist but I do think it’s somehow a control issue. Since the vision in my eyes is limited having things poke in them, near them, around them is a bit terrifying.

    I, too, concur with the idea that you are normal. We all want things ASAP. In fact, in this country, I think we’re trained up to that from childhood. (I want patience and I want it yesterday!)

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