Remember Me

21 Aug

If Ames had been a singleton I would have been alone with my husband as my still baby was rolled away down the hall, my leaking breasts a mockery, my head empty and black inside. — Flotsam

When I read this post this morning, it spoke to me.  I commented that it was like she took the words right out of my head.  This is exactly what it was like for me the day Aodin’s tiny body was wheeled away forever.

After that, I went through some really terrible times.  Sometimes I couldn’t stop crying, or I didn’t want to eat, or I slept all day.  The first time we walked down to the beach again (which we did the day my water broke) I totally broke down in the middle of the street.  The cafe on the corner made me cry.  I developed a collection of songs that provoked heart wrenching tears, which I masochistically loaded onto my iPod.

After a while, things seemed to get better.  I wanted to get dressed in the mornings.  I reached out to blogs and friends and family.  I could see my future again, and it wasn’t the post-apocalyptic nightmare I had imagine.

In fact, before long I smiled and laughed.  I remember laughing out loud in the car with Aaron… he made a joke or said something witty while we drove to some errand or other, and I let out a real peal of laughter.  I remember he got teary-eyed because he had begun to fear I wouldn’t laugh again.

It was in that moment that I realized just how much he wanted me to get better, just how much I wanted to get better too.  “Better” almost seems like the wrong word though…  I didn’t want to forget.  I just wanted to stop burning with the grief.

And… with time and work and effort… I did.  I still cry.  Sometimes it’s still a terrible weeping.  I still call my mother in despair, but only sometimes.  And sometimes, when I read words like those from Flotsam, I am transported back to that place where the world seemed dark, cold… unfair and unforgiving.  But now, I look back and see something different.

I see all the love and support I had around me.  I see the amazing strength of my husband, and the noble grief of my stern father.  I see my mother, so strong and brave as she struggled (for my sake alone) not to crumple under her own grief.  I see my friends, who drove for hours in some cases to spend the day with me, who held me and let my cry, who understood my grief even if they had never been there.  I see all of the beautiful women whose blogs I read… women whose strength and determination amaze me every day.  Strangers sent me gifts and cards, friends sent flowers, and everyone sent love and prayers.  To this day, I can’t read the comments on this page or this page without being totally overcome with tears of gratitude.

So thank you.  Thank you for your love and support, your continued encouragement.  Thank you for remembering my son.  I love each of you for it.

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8 Responses to “Remember Me”

  1. Mom to Baby J August 21, 2008 at 8:40 am #

    Thank you for teaching me so much along the way too. It’s been amazing to see you go through such a transformation and I’m grateful you took us along for the ride. Hugs and love always.

  2. Becky August 21, 2008 at 11:39 am #

    *hugs*

    Love to you and Aodin.

  3. Caryn August 21, 2008 at 12:02 pm #

    *love*

  4. CLC August 21, 2008 at 12:44 pm #

    Thank you for your support. It’s been a long road, but it does seem to get easier as time goes on.

  5. daisybones August 21, 2008 at 1:08 pm #

    Oh Sushi girl! I found your blog today googling photos of Nick Brendon and was totally unprepared to fall in bloglove in a serious way.

    Your writing’s skillful and your story of Aodin is so tender-painful and I’m sending you deeply good mojo and am hooked. I linked you and will return again & again. It’s always beautiful and empowering to everyoneeverywherealways to read strong women’s healing stories.

  6. Brandee August 21, 2008 at 2:59 pm #

    I can’t see what I’m typing very well because I’m a teary mess after reading that, but I just want you to know I think about you three all the time and your strength and love is absolutely amazing to me. Love you!

  7. c. August 21, 2008 at 10:22 pm #

    Wow, H. This is beautiful. XO.

  8. irunwithscissors August 24, 2008 at 12:15 am #

    love you!

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