WAY Too Much Information

27 Aug

I’ve been holding off on blogging about something lately because….  well, it’s really gross.  No, really.

I will give you fair warning that it’s about… uh… poo.  So you can happily walk away from this now, I won’t be offended.

Really?  You still want to read this?  Huh…  well, okay.

How do I put this delicately?  Yeah… no way really.

I have had some serious… loose bowels… for two months now.  At some point I got to thinking… that’s not good, right?  I hate doctors, but I figured if I was going to be suffering from some sort of tropical intestinal plague I should atleast have someone tell me I’m not going to die.

I wasn’t having any other symptoms… no fever or weird weight loss, no extra headaches, no dizziness or weakness.  Just a debilitating stomach cramp once per day, followed immediately (as in “go now or life as you know it is over”) by potty time.  Seriously.  Every day.  For two months.

So I finally called a doctor.  Who essentially said he has no clue and ordered a ridiculous battery of tests and screenings.  Yesterday I had four vials (five?) of blood drawn and was sent home with kits.

Kits.  To put poo in.  Poo kits.

Really, you should stop reading now…  it gets worse.

So I had to go… at work.  Because honestly I never have to go at home, except on the weekends.  It’s an early morning thing.  I took my entire purse with me so no one could possibly label me as “girl with poo kit” (cause, you know… office people do that.)  Turns out, there are directions… which include the fact that you can’t go into the toilet.  You have to use a “clean, dry container such as a milk jug with the top cut off or a margarine bucket.”  WHAT?  WHAT WHAT?

This morning I finally broke down, figuring I have THREE KITS to deal with and should at least get one out of the way.  Poor, defiled Safeway plastic bag.  Three kits, three tubes each.  Nine vials worth of tiny plastic shovel and crapping in a grocery bag.

Seriously, it better turn out that I have some sort of secret government-created plague that I can get some cash from.  Otherwise, this is the most disgusting thing EVER.

Aaron laughed and wanted to know how I was going to manage kids.  It’s different though!  Child poop is a whole other thing, and it doesn’t happen in a plastic bag either… unless you’ve had some sort of poo emergency… which I totally get.  I babysat forever when I was younger.  I have cleaned up every bodily excretion known to man, but this?

Grocery bag poo is seriously testing my limits.


12 Responses to “WAY Too Much Information”

  1. Antigone August 27, 2008 at 8:28 am #

    Oh the honors, do I get to be first to comment on this?

    I’m used to bags – I have a big dog who likes city walks.

    Maybe we should put off lunch for awhile…

  2. Judy August 27, 2008 at 11:14 am #

    Ask your doctor about probiotics. If you’ve had this problem for a while, it’s likely that a large percentage of the “good bacteria” that lives in your intestines has been, erm, flushed out. That actually may be what they’re testing for.

    As for gross, well, as the famous book title says… Everybody Poops.

  3. Brandee August 27, 2008 at 12:59 pm #

    Poo kits, huh? This post cracked me up… but seriously, I hope they get it all figured out soon!

  4. missingone August 27, 2008 at 4:06 pm #

    hmmm. doesn’t sound very comfortable. Have you considered an ulcer or colitis (or even ulcerative colitis?)
    Haven’t changed your diet at all? i know oils (like fish oil) can be the culprit when taken on empty stomach.
    Could also be hormone inbalance.

    Hang in there, let us know how it goes!

  5. Becky August 27, 2008 at 4:10 pm #

    Oh sister, been there, done that. I have Crohn’s, so I know this quite well. It’s not…fun.

  6. Becca August 27, 2008 at 8:46 pm #

    HA! I’m laughing because when I had a nasty stomach virus a while back, I had to do the same thing. Nothing like walking into a waiting room full of people with a white plastic pitcher and 4 vials for your poo!

    My best friend has had major poo issues for a while, and originally they diagnosed her with IBS, but it ended up being something else.

    Don’t worry about losing your diginity hun, unfortunately it happens to the best of us!!

  7. Becca August 27, 2008 at 8:48 pm #

    Oh I just read that and I didn’t mean to be mean about it…just wanted you to know that it’s okay to talk about poo…I mean we all do it!! 🙂

  8. xdefyingravityx August 27, 2008 at 11:46 pm #

    Ha, I’m totally heading in that direction. Thank you for this. Now I have someone to share my poo-related woes with.

  9. Luminous Hailer Star August 28, 2008 at 8:10 am #

    This put things in perspective for me. They just ordered this type of testing for me and I picked up ‘the kit’ yesterday. I find it sort of humiliating but probably less so since I’m at home and not at work. And since they GAVE me a container to…erm…use. How could they not give you a container? That’s just wrong. Way wrong. I’m so sorry for your plastic-bag-ness. *I think I now understand why geriatrics are grumpy, if they have to do this many times in the twilight years…yeah…I’d be a grump too* No fun.

  10. Mom to Baby J August 28, 2008 at 9:02 am #

    Are you surprised by the number of people who actually read this post? Yes, we’re gluttons for punishment. Or poonishment! 🙂 Hhope you feel better soon, dear.

  11. tash August 29, 2008 at 8:26 pm #

    Oh man. Just sending you all sorts of love and letting you know I’ll never view a milk jug in quite the same way again.

  12. Janette September 1, 2008 at 1:47 am #

    Oh my GOSH, the memories this entry brings back. I, too, have had to do the poo-in-several-vials test along with a colonoscopy (which is a whole other kind of good time). Only someone who has been where you are can commiserate, and not to say that misery loves company, but, Girlfriend, you are SO NOT ALONE! I have colitis and IBS and you’d think with not one but two diagnosis of a bowel issue that the weight would just FLY off (or out, depending on how you want to look at it…or not look at it…ew, uh, nevermind). At least I was able to go at home. Ok, I’m going to go “there”. I grabbed an old tupperware that I, of course, threw away afterward, and ended up doing my business in the bathtub. Do you know how hard it is to have to provide a sample and not urinate during the process of providing said sample? And then you have to actually mash up your sample, making sure you take a little bit from the beginning, middle, and end, and mixing it up with the liquid already in the vials to make a soup-like substance. YUCK! The best part is bringing your samples in a brown bag to the lab for drop off and the guy behind the desk yells, “Oh, you have a stool sample?!…take it to the bathroom to your right and put it in the metal divider, blah blah blah”, while the entire waiting room stares at you.

    Anyway, good luck to you! There’s lots of good meds out there that can help and hopefully this will literally pass (no pun intended).

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