Free For All

3 Oct

I’m at work.  I think I am one of about five people in the building today.  It is supposed to be one of our bi-weekly “compressed work schedule” Fridays off, but since I have a doctor’s appointment on Monday and today there was an executive meeting, I switched.

It’s interesting to be here when there is almost no one else in the building.  It’s SO quiet, and the only emails I get are of the necessary variety.  I like it.

So…  today I registered for prenatal yoga classes through the local hospital.  In fact, Antigone will be taking them with me starting in November!  I also sent an email to the HR office at work to discuss my leave options in the Spring.  This all feels ridiculous to me.  In the back of my mind, I just don’t see myself actually needing leave… or at least not in the sense they think.  I still can’t quite get my head around the reality that this could, in fact, go beyond my experience.  That I might still be pregnant in another eleven or twelve weeks.  That I might continue to be pregnant until May…  big bellied at the holidays, round and smiling as the first flowers bloom.

However, this morning I did come to one realization that I hadn’t quite been sure of until just now.

…………………

I want it.  I mean, of course I want this.  But more than that, I NEED this, I CRAVE this.  I WANT THIS!  I want big bellies and maternity leave and everything that goes with it.  I want it SO BADLY that I am crying as a type this.  I WANT YOU, SWEETPEA!  Maybe more even than Aodin (I know someone somewhere just dismissed me as a horrible loss mom for that) because now I know what it all means.  Now I really understand what is at stake here, and I don’t really know what to do with that wonderful/horrible knowledge.

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10 Responses to “Free For All”

  1. Tara October 3, 2008 at 2:29 pm #

    I love you! Both of you…..ok, all of you!!

  2. Antigone October 3, 2008 at 5:16 pm #

    No, a horrible loss mom is someone like me who is still more interested in the first one than in the one which will probably be here in 3 months.

  3. Bex October 3, 2008 at 6:03 pm #

    Oh Walli’s coming alright. Because if the universe kicks you in the face again, I’m going to find its source and kick it directly in the teeth… repeatedly. I love you. You’re ALREADY the best mom EVER. Now you’re going to be the even bester mom we all know you are too. <3.

    No one just dismissed you as a horrible loss mom. If they did… foot to the teeth. You’re an even better loss mom for wanting Walli more. You still have Aodin in your heart, but you are able to love him and let him go. That what real love is about and that is why you are a wonderful loss mom. Of course you want this baby even more, because all of the wanting in the world won’t bring Aodin back. Plus, this just allows you to channel all of your love AND Aodin’s love to this baby. This baby is going to have the love of a whole extra entity even beyond this world.

  4. MOM October 3, 2008 at 8:50 pm #

    And AODIN my precious little first, picked Sweetpea especially for us!! Make no mistake-and of course you want Sweetpea most of all and more than anything now; that is as it should be! You are a beautiful, wonderful perfect mommy! I should know, I’m YOUR mommy!!!

  5. mrs.spit October 3, 2008 at 9:01 pm #

    sweet pea is joy after sorrow. Of course you want him. And his or her presence is made all the more sweet because Aodin isn’t here.

  6. irunwithscissors October 4, 2008 at 12:43 am #

    oh sister! I love you… and you deserve this! You are going to be such a great mommy!

  7. brandi October 4, 2008 at 5:11 am #

    And Sweetpea deserves you, H. The greatest mom in the world. <3. I’m so excited for you and Aaron.

  8. Amy October 4, 2008 at 8:44 am #

    H.,
    I am sorry that you feel that you are a horrible loss Mom, I personally don’t think that is possible. I don’t think any of us in here are horrible. We have different feelings at different times, it’s only natural! I am so excited for you and little one! Thinking of you daily! Much love and peace, Amy

  9. Brandee October 4, 2008 at 5:11 pm #

    Heather, you are such a sweet mommy to both of your babies! And I wanted to do prenatal yoga classes and never got around to it… I’ll have to live vicariously through you. 🙂

  10. rainypete October 10, 2008 at 7:34 am #

    I have to concur with the others. If you were to be more fixed on Aodin then you’d be a far more terrible Mom than you are. Imagine having a wonderful beautiful baby that was ignored because it made it. Doesn’t sound too nice at all. Aodin is there and will always be there so make sure to grab the blessings you can have and not ignore the ones you’ve already had.

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