Guilt

8 Oct

I often wonder if the rest of my life will be about guilt.  I feel guilty that I am not so excited, so innocently thrilled for this baby.  When it is born, I will think of what it might have been like to hold Aodin in the same way, and I will feel guilty.  Sometimes my child will find me crying for a brother they have no real connection to, and I will feel guilty…

Sometimes I worry that I am the last person on earth who should be having children now.

Of course, these things are heavy on my mind today because I am tired, it is cold, and I would rather be sleeping.  I am emotional and hormonal, and should probably be ignored.  I know this will pass.

Thank you all SO much.  I got so many sweet emails and comments yesterday.  I am so touched.  Your love and support has seen me through so much.

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5 Responses to “Guilt”

  1. Emma October 8, 2008 at 8:58 am #

    Guilt follows heartache wherever it goes. But stronger than heartache is happiness… and you deserve to be happy! And cautiously optimistic about little Sweetpea.

  2. MOM October 8, 2008 at 10:39 am #

    Hi my love….no guilt necessary, yes, you will wonder how it would be if you could have held Adoin, but no need for guilt…there’s nothing wrong with that, it takes NOTHING away from our Sweetpea. AND of course you are a little guarded with your excitement, there’s also nothing wrong with that. When your child finds you crying and you explain, you might be surprised to find there is a connection…or not (but only if they’ve forgotten b/c it’s there!) that’s all okay too – your child will know her mother has a kind and loving heart. From my perspective, Sweetpea is very fortunate.

  3. CLC October 9, 2008 at 5:49 am #

    I know these feelings all too well.

  4. rainypete October 10, 2008 at 7:38 am #

    If you let your life be ruled by guilt then it will be. Learning not to feel bad about feeling good is one of the toughest things that people have to do. Let your heart soar and Aodin will be there to help it. I can’t believe for a moment he’d want you pining for the maybes instead of enjoying what you have.

  5. elaina October 26, 2008 at 4:55 pm #

    I feel your pain on this one hon. It’s hard when you have suffered a loss like that. No matter what else you have in your life you will always love and miss Aodin, and that is okay!!!!!!!!!
    My sweet girls have found me crying about being infertile. It’s hard for them to understand.. because to them they are my kids. and they are. but I think you know what I am saying. I love the girls dearly but I will always have a small hole in my heart. I am lucky enough to be a full time mom to them (we have full custody because their biological mother is a drug addict and in jail). I know that I am lucky to have them in my life, but I am still sad that I will never be able to carry a child of my own.

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