Uncharted

13 Dec

As of this morning, I am nineteen weeks pregnant, and officially entering unknown territory.  I have never before been this pregnant, as Aodin was born one day before the nineteen week mark.

Never again in this pregnancy will I be able to say “at this point last time…” or think back to what was happening with Aodin.  I no longer have any frame of reference, any previous experience to judge by.

I am thrilled.  I am terrified.  I have no idea of where this new journey will lead us, but I am already enjoying the experience more than I know how to communicate.  Sweetpea is moving around more than Aodin ever did, and I am granted comfort and hope with every nudge and bump and twirl.

I have not forgotten my son.  If anything, these days with Sweetpea are giving me so much time to reflect on the time I got to spend with my sweet son.  I enjoyed every day of that pregnancy, and I am trying hard to do the same with this one.

I don’t think anyone could blame me for the days and hours I have spent worrying, and for the time I am sure I will do so in the weeks and months to come, but I am trying to focus instead on the positives.

I know that when I get to meet my Sweetpea, if I ever get to look into his or her beautiful baby eyes, that I will also be saying another small hello and goodbye to my Aodin.  I consider it a gift from my son to be given this new chance at bringing life into the world.  I miss him terribly, and I wish I had been given more time to get to know him.  I wish I had the chance to raise my sweet little boy.  Instead, I will forever carry the weight of his loss in my heart.

For me, motherhood will always be bittersweet.  Our family will always be touched by grief and a beautiful gracious love.  I could ask for nothing more.

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4 Responses to “Uncharted”

  1. Mom to Baby J December 14, 2008 at 8:45 am #

    Exciting and scary. I know it’s hard to enjoy all the time, but you are doing a good job of taking this pregnancy day by day. Lots of hugs in this new, uncharted territory.

  2. MOM December 14, 2008 at 5:10 pm #

    My baby !

  3. irunwithscissors December 14, 2008 at 5:11 pm #

    🙂 love you sister so glad everything is going well….

  4. Emma December 16, 2008 at 7:15 pm #

    I am so glad for you Heather. I’m glad you’re able to enjoy this gift you have been given in the form of Sweetpea, but also cherish Aodin. I think of you guys often and hope that all stays well.

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