Nine Days

11 May

Evi is nine days old today.  I don’t even know how that happened, or where the last nine days have gone.

I am tired…. more tired than I thought possible.  I am overwhelmed, in good and bad ways.  I have never been more excited, more overjoyed, or more terrified.  I am finding motherhood to be hands down the most fulfilling, beautiful, and trying thing in the world.  Our daughter is perfect, tiny, wonderful… and I am full of love and wonder that she is here, that she is ours.

It is so strange not to be pregnant anymore.  I find myself missing the feeling of her moving, the reactions to smells and tastes, and definitely the extreme satisfaction of fulfilling a craving.  That being said, I wouldn’t change it for the world.  I have never in my life been more in love, with my daughter or with my husband.  Having Evi here has made me miss her sweet brother all the more, but also made me ever more thankful to be a mother to them both.

We’ve taken more pictures than I know what to do with, and now there are so many that the idea of uploading them to Flickr seems totally overwhelming…  I imagine I will get around to it sometime soon.  If not, I may just choose a couple to upload so that people can at least check out the highlights.  🙂

We’re definitely not sleeping.  Aaron stayed home from work last week, so we both got the chance to be super worn out.  This week, he’s back at work but my mom is still here, so I am still getting some help and that has been a sanity saver.  I am terrified of what will happen next week when I am alone with her.  I worry about being overwhelmed.  I worry about being crappy at raising a newborn.  I worry… well, I worry a lot.  I also cry a lot.  I suppose it is hormonal, but it has me worried about the potential onset of post partum depression.  I suppose I will just wait it out and see what happens with that.  I am aware, and I have Aaron to help me monitor my moods, so I am  hoping we will catch any issues before things get too bad.

Nursing has also been a challenge.  Evi has a really hard time latching.  She’s been checked, and she isn’t tongue tied, so I don’t know for sure what the issue is, except that she seems to like to hold her tongue back in her mouth.  In general, she does alright on the left after a little struggling, but on the right it’s nearly impossible.  I am also having some pretty serious discomfort on the right for the first 45 seconds or so after she latches…..

She lost 7 ounces between her birth and the following Wednesday.  It’s not enough for the doctors to be worried about, but we are trying to monitor her intake/output.  She seems to be eating enough now, and she is certainly dirtying enough diapers, so we’re hoping to see a nice weight gain when we go in for her two week appointment on the 18th.

I’m reading over this post and realizing that it all sounds a little negative.  I should clarify.  I have never, never in my life been happier.  I love this little girl in ways I never thought were possible.  I see a new, beautiful side of my husband that makes me love him a thousand times more than I did, which was already more than I knew how to communicate.  Our little family is perfect, beautiful, and everything I have ever wanted.

For me, the peace will come with a pattern being established.  Really, any pattern.  I don’t need her to be sleeping through the night.  I don’t even need her to be sleeping several hours at a time.  I just need her to get to a place where she is vaguely predictable, and then it will be easy for me to adjust accordingly.

It is all just an adventure, a huge challenge, but one with the biggest payoff imaginable.

05.05.09 Evi - Day Four (1)


18 Responses to “Nine Days”

  1. Tara May 11, 2009 at 2:56 pm #

    I love baby burritos! She is so adorable! She will get a pattern and you all will fall into a rhythm. Can’t wait to see her.

  2. Brandee May 11, 2009 at 3:19 pm #

    Aww Heather, I love her!! I think around one month or so was when both our kids became a little more predictable. I so know what you mean! And breastfeeding is HARD. Please call or email if you need anything or just want to talk or whatever! Can’t wait to see you guys!

  3. Sarah May 11, 2009 at 3:53 pm #

    This WILL get easier. You will find a rhythm and it will be all yours. Those first few days are so, well, just big in so many ways. Your body isn’t used to it, your heart or your mind. Make sure you give yourself all the time you need to make the adjustment. Go easy, be gentle with yourself. You will both be fine.

  4. a May 11, 2009 at 4:39 pm #

    Congratulations! She looks beautiful. I’m sure she will get into a pattern soon. She will keep throwing new things at you, and your pattern of adjusting better will develop too.

  5. Becky May 11, 2009 at 5:34 pm #

    You’ll get the hang of it, YSP. I promise. If *I* can raise an okay kid (he’s much, much better than “okay”) you’ll do just fine. Nursing is a huge undertaking and it’s really frustrating sometimes. Alex lost something equivalent to that and hadn’t gained it back right away. I hear this is common with breastfed babies.

    Please, holler if you need a hand or some assvice. I’ve been through three now and I’m still alive. Somehow 😉

  6. Barbara May 11, 2009 at 5:56 pm #

    You’ll be just fine.

    She’s beautiful.


  7. cynthia May 11, 2009 at 7:15 pm #

    Sounds like everything is normal! As far as the nursing goes, some babies are easier than others to nurse. To help your nipples heal, it helps to put Vitamin E oil on them. I bought the capsules and put a hole in them with a pin and patted it on. It didn’t smell the best, but it really heals the skin. Maybe the Vitamin E oil comes in a liquid form now. Nursing also takes a lot of patience and a lot of support and encouragement. From here on, your life will never be the same. It will be very rewarding at times, and very frustrating at others. Sounds like you’re doing a great job Heather. It helps that you have a very supporting husband and family as well. Love, Aunt Cindy

  8. irunwithscissors May 11, 2009 at 8:15 pm #

    she is beautiful! and although things are tough now, you will find a rhythm eventually and everything will be fine! Your going to be a wonderful mom! Can’t wait to come see you guys!

  9. Coggy May 12, 2009 at 3:38 am #

    She’s so cute. It is overwhelming those first few days, but all I can say is just go with it. Stay in bed all day if you need to with her next to you in her crib. Just babymoon with her for as long as you both need to. You will find your rhythm for sure… then she’ll go change it on you 😉
    That’s the biggest lesson I’ve learned is to be adaptable and to listen to her.
    Breastfeeding IS hard, but it does get easier and if it doesn’t work out don’t feel bad about changing to bottles etc. You have to do what you need to do for both of you.
    As for PPD, I think you’re doing just fine right now. I drift in and out of thinking I have it. I don’t think I do I just get very tearful at times. I think that’s sleep deprivation though. And I cried A LOT in those first few weeks – hormones and sleep loss I think it’s pretty normal. Keep enjoying your lovely lady it all goes so quick x x x

  10. Mom to Baby J May 12, 2009 at 7:25 am #

    First of all, she’s beautiful. And I get goosebumps every time I see a picture of her or see your status updates, etc. I am beyond happy for you.

    Second-you sound a lot like I was feeling right after J was born. It’s hard. The nursing, the worrying, the lack of sleep. It all takes a toll on you. Be gentle with yourself. Before your mom leaves start using her a little less…try to do more yourself so you know you can when she’s gone.

    I think it’s good you are keeping an eye on your mental health. It’s hard to know which was is up with everything going on but just know you are doing a wonderful job. Seek out a lactation consultant at your pediatrician’s office if you need to or find someone there who can help you. Getting the latch right is difficult but you WILL figure it out.

    I’m thinking of you. Wishing I could come over to help out. Just take pleasure in the small victories and enjoy that little girl.

    That’s my assvice…

  11. Maria May 12, 2009 at 1:53 pm #

    she is beautiful! congratulations. and the joke of motherhood is that by the time we get good at a certain stage, our baby has moved on! you will soon be the expert on newborns and then she will be an infant 🙂

    nursing is always easier with good support. if you like the company of other nursing mothers you might want to check out a local la leche league meeting ( with each of my 4 babies, i have found it tremendously reassuring to be around other mothers who are at a similar stage. i found la leche league to be very informative, supportive and friendly.

    hang in there! you are doing great.

  12. LouLou May 12, 2009 at 5:04 pm #

    I love your photos – she is SO beautiful! Enjoy the moment and journey…these memories last forever.

  13. Kim May 13, 2009 at 5:04 pm #

    Congratulations, she is the most precious little thing.
    Nursing is hard, take it one feeding at a time, even when they all run together. I found some good support and answers on, there are several chat boards for nursing Mom’s.

  14. coffeegrl May 14, 2009 at 7:37 am #

    Congratulations -she’s beautiful! I wouldn’t worry about sounding negative. As others have said, it really seems like par for the course! What a massive adjustment in our lives. The birth of a mother (and fathers too), while I sometimes think that sounds kind of cheesy, really is a difficult but rewarding process that I think we overlook in the whole new baby excitement. Sometimes I’m amazed we survived those first few months. Okay, most of the time I’m amazed we survived it!! But I loved it too 🙂 Best of luck taking each and every day as it comes to you.

  15. niobe2 May 14, 2009 at 9:24 am #

    Echoing what everyone else said. Having a new baby is hard and, likely, this is just about as hard as it will get. Hang in there.

  16. Auntie Kate May 14, 2009 at 9:54 pm #

    Wow!! Congratulations on this beautiful girl!! She is precious!! Now get lots of sleep — my doctor insisted on 3 naps a day for ME!! I thought I didn’t need it but went along with it and had NO PPD ever (4 kids). You are just super emotional and excited and happy and sleep deprived, so be good to yourself. And hang in with breast-feeding — it was SOOO painful at first but I persevered and it became easier and easier and finally after a few weeks was really fun. Please relax — babies can sense the worry and tension. So many people care about you — let them!!

  17. Bonny May 15, 2009 at 6:20 pm #

    She is just beautiful. Things will get easier. Love to you.

  18. Kimberly May 17, 2009 at 8:22 am #

    Wow! Congratulations. She is absolutely beautiful. I remember when my son was first born, I was so terrified of doing something, anything wrong! But before we knew it time flew and now he is 2 years old.

    Just a note: if you run into trouble with her kicking off her blankets and not being able to sleep at night, get a halo sleeper as soon as you can! I wish we had gotten it sooner then three months. The minute he wasn’t coming uncovered, he slept through the night! (unless he was hungry but that is a totally different issue!)

    I hope you guys enjoy and have so much fun. These little ones grow up way too fast.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: