Mine To Hold

23 Sep

I have a deep post to write tonight, but I am distracted by the fact that I had my nether regions cauterized with silver nitrate today.  And yes, that hurt just as much as it sounds like it would despite the doctor’s assurance that “most women say it’s totally painless, but it may smart a little.”  Uh huh.  Smart.  Right… if by “smart” you mean “burn with the fire of ten thousand hellish suns.”  Then yes, it smarted.

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Moving on….

Today I realized that I am not yet convinced that I get to keep Evi.  Before I go to bed at night I have to stand in her doorway and listen to her breathe.  I sleep so lightly it’s almost not sleeping because I am terrified I will miss a sound that means she needs me.  I have horrible visions of pulling her out of her carseat only to find she has overheated and passed out.  I have nightmares of coming down to wake her in the morning to find her gone or, worse yet…  I can’t even type the words.

I love that little girl in a way I was never able to love her brother.  My love for Evi is no more than that for Aodin, but there is a weight to it that can only come from the process of raising a child.  There is something there, a connection I have with her that I never had with him.  Because of that, I find myself nearly paralyzed with fear that she will be taken from me too.

I know it’s all irrational.  I know it makes no sense.  It’s not something that I spend every second thinking about, and it isn’t something that I spend my time expecting to have to deal with.  It’s just something I can’t help feeling.

Now please excuse me while I make my way to bed, stopping as always on the way up to stand in the doorway of the nursery and listen to the rhythm of my precious daughter’s sleeping breaths.

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5 Responses to “Mine To Hold”

  1. Hillary September 24, 2009 at 7:49 am #

    This is beautifully written. I can only tell you that as a mom who has never experienced the unthinkable loss you have, I still am often paralyzed by fear for my son. I think sometimes it is the inevitable that the stark joy of being a parent carries with it a shadow — like the world cannot create such happiness without an equal dark side. It’s hard to imagine a way to be more vulnerable to the indifferent world than having a child, who moves outside you like your most precious limb, but one you can’t control.

    I remember my mom saying to me once when I was 23 how relieved she was that I had gotten to adulthood and hadn’t been kidnapped or killed or harmed. I looked at her like she was crazy. But now, of course, I understand. I hope for you as for myself, that one day Evi and G can look at us with that same mom-is-weird look I gave her then.

  2. a September 24, 2009 at 8:15 am #

    I still feel that way sometimes…but after 2.5 years, I was finally able to turn the monitor off at night.

  3. Brandee September 24, 2009 at 9:37 am #

    Holy OUCH!!!

    …………………….

    My crazy mom confessions: I have to go in and check on both Owen and Ella before I go to sleep and once or twice in the middle of the night… I keep Ella’s monitor on, even though her room is right next to ours and I don’t need it… I probably keep my eyes on Ella in the rearview mirror more than on the road… I watch Owen like a hawk when he’s eating anything bigger than a pea… It’s hard to not be paralyzed by fear, and I can only imagine how much harder it is for you… Evi is so blessed to have you as her mommy!

  4. Beautiful Mess September 24, 2009 at 11:43 am #

    OH MY GOD! That sounds painful!!!! I hope the “smartness” goes away soon.

    My kids are 12 and 6 and I sometimes feel that way. Not as much as I use to when they were babies, but it’s there. Every night before I go to bed, I stand in their doorway and listen to their breathing. If for some reason, I don’t hear it, I lay my hand on their backs to make sure they’re still breathing. I doubt I’ll ever stop doing it.

    It’s just what we do, I think.
    *HUGS*

  5. bustedbabymaker September 28, 2009 at 2:53 pm #

    Thanks for putting into words my love and fear for losing Toodle. I can relate so much…

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