Secrets

21 Oct

Behold, my deep, dark secrets.  They aren’t terribly interesting, and they’re likely to utterly destroy any illusions.  You know, since the last post about bacterial infections left me with such a veneer of glamor.  😉

  1. When Evi is six months old, I am going to switch her to formula.  I know, I can hear the boos of disapproval now.  However, I don’t care.  I have been feeding her breastmilk since she was born and, thanks to latching problems that couldn’t be resolved, I’ve been attached to an electric pump the whole time.  Frankly, I am DONE.  She is growing up happy and healthy and she’s taken to solids like you wouldn’t believe, so I feel like it’s fine.
  2. I am totally having guilt about #1.  Despite my assertions, and my honest belief that switching her will do her no harm, I am still having tiny panic attacks thanks to the dwindling number of bottles in the fridge.  I can’t help it, I feel a little selfish.
  3. I really hate showering.  No, really.  I feel like it’s a massive time suck and I always wish I could do it while doing something else.  I don’t enjoy it or find it relaxing.  I just want it to be done.  Weird, right?
  4. I think I am going to do NaNoWriMo again this year, but only because I am hoping the drive to get the silly certificate will spur me into action in terms of finishing my manuscript.
  5. I am really loving my new job.  I research wineries all day.  It rocks.
  6. If I could, I would stay home and not work, and I would be happy doing it.  Of course, this would require a monetary source I have not yet found…
  7. I also hate anything to do with my teeth.  I don’t like brushing them (though, of course, I do) and I flat refuse to floss them.  I am fully aware of the potential damage done, but I have never experienced anything as disgusting as the feeling of flossing, so I just can’t do it.
  8. I take that back.  The other day I experienced something far more disgusting.  Savannah showed up on the back porch with half a dead squirrel in her mouth.  Yes, half.  No, I don’t know what happened to the other half.  I don’t think she killed it, and I doubt she was the one who ate the first half, but I was still utterly disgusted and commenced calling her Dead Squirrel Face and keeping her off the couch for the rest of the day.  Which brings me to the secret in this one…  Sometimes I don’t like my dog anymore.  I still love her, but ever since Evi came I find I have ZERO patience with her.  I get irritated when she itches, barks, whines…  I am bothered by the noise she makes when Evi is sleeping.  I think a lot of the bother is guilt based, because I feel like she no longer gets the attention she deserves… but I still don’t think we’ll have another dog after Savannah.
  9. I am obsessed with email.  I check my email at least ten times a day.
  10. Despite my utter, unswerving belief in the goodness of science and the absolute necessity of vaccinations…  despite my absolute refusal to believe that vaccines cause harm, I am terrified of Evi getting the flu shot (as per the recommendations of her pediatrician, the American Academy of Pediatrics, and the CDC.)  I know why she needs to get it, and I both understand and completely believe that the risk of the flu for her is greater than the risk of the shot, but still…  Watching her get the few shots she’s already had to get in her tiny life has been terribly difficult for me, and the idea of another shot is really hard for me.  I don’t care about getting the shot myself.  If it helps her, or even if it just MIGHT help her, start poking me!  But to give it to her…  it just turns my stomach.  So I guess I haven’t totally made my mind up about it yet, and I won’t until Aaron and I have a long talk with her doctor at her six month appointment, which is when they want to give her the shot.
  11. I haunt a couple of mommy message boards, and I frequently get so angry at the people on them that I have to remove myself entirely for a while.  I think I am a secret snob, and I become totally unreasonable in the face of what I see as parental idiocy, racism, sexism, or simple ineptitude.  Because, you know, I am perfect….  right?  :p
  12. Speaking of -isms, I have a serious hang up about them.  When an acquaintance took a particular tone of voice when discussing a mixed race couple (a tone that suggested, perhaps, a bit of disapproval) I was incensed.  When I see those commercials about how gay marriage is going to ruin the “institution” I feel blind rage.  When I see the commercial for the toy truck that is marketed as “your boy’s best friend,” I contemplated writing to the company in anger for daring to suggest that my daughter isn’t just as capable, just as likely to want that toy truck, which I will now not purchase on principle.  I know this makes me naive sometimes, that the world can’t just work the way I want it to, but I can’t help it.  I am, at heart, a romantic idealist that just wants everything to be FAIR.  I want everyone to have the same chances, the same rights, the same options in life.
  13. I have financial management issues.  I keep aside a certain amount of money every week as spending money, and I tell myself I will save it up for the espresso machine I want, or some new clothes or something.  Almost every week I spend at least half of it on going out for coffee or lunch just to get out of the house.  I know getting out is good, but I wish I would just eat at home and go to the library, because I really want that espresso machine!
  14. I have no idea how to dress my new body.  Not a clue.  I still have clothes that fit, but they don’t fit the same way.  I have bought a few new things, but they are all super casual because it’s hard to go wrong with a t-shirt and jeans.  I don’t know what to do with my new shape, how to flatter it….

Also, I really like lists.  🙂

And I should be working… so I will.

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2 Responses to “Secrets”

  1. Liz October 21, 2009 at 12:11 pm #

    Don’t feel guilty about stopping pumping. My son was early and never figured out a productive suck reflex on the breast so I’ve been pumping for 8 months and am still on it. I am dying to give it up as it takes so much time and effort that I’d rather spend with my son, but it is really $$ that is keeping me going not the concern about breastmilk vs. formula. You made it to 6 months which is what is recommended, give yourself a rest and let your body get back to normal. I can’t wait to be done with that machine myself.

    P.S. How did you find your new job? I’d love to work at home and am a freelance writer (among other things) and would love to hear more.

  2. Brandee October 21, 2009 at 2:00 pm #

    Wow, I could have written so many of these word for word!

    I have NO IDEA how you have managed to pump for this long… You deserve a medal. I HATE PUMPS. I know what you mean about feeling guilty, but don’t. You have done an incredible job, and you should be so proud.

    I was just telling Fred about my hatred of showering the other day. Yeah, I like to be clean, but as you said -HUGE time-sucker. There are sooo many other things I want to be doing when Owen and Ella are napping. (like reading blogs!) 🙂

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