14 Jan

As I get older, my definition of friendship changes constantly.  When I was younger, I tended to attract friends who were either so needy that they sucked me dry, or really sort of mean.  This is not, of course, universal since I made some amazing friends like my awesome friend Tara, who remains my friend to this day despite seeing my high school fashion choices in person.

However, I did go through a lot of friends who, for one reason or another, just were not good to me.  As I got older, I learned how to weed those people out and, as hard as it was sometimes, to do the right thing for ME and let them be.  Now I genuinely think I have a core of really great people who I know I can count on.

That being said, in the past couple of years I feel like I am slowly losing friends.  The first was a girl I met in one of my classes who, truthfully, was never a close friend but who I genuinely liked and she just sort of fell off the face of the earth.  I let her go, and honestly, I know she stopped speaking to a lot of other people too, so I think she was just going through… something.  I have peacefully let her go, though I would love to hear from her again one day.

Next was another not as close friend, someone who I met and really liked.  We had a lot in common, and actually in the beginning she was the one always making plans to hang out, which I loved.  We hung out a lot for a couple of weeks, and then… nothing.  At first, I didn’t think much of it because it was a busy time for us both, but then later I tried to reconnect with her and got zero response despite seeing her on Facebook interacting with other people.  I feel a little sad about this one, as I still don’t know what happened, but she doesn’t respond to my messages so I feel like I have done all I can.

The third one is the most painful.  This is a girl who I also met at school, who I really loved.  She was fun and sweet and smart, we had a TON in common, and just enough difference to keep things interesting.  She was the kind of girl who, despite being tiny skinny, never made me feel self conscious about my weight.  She was bubbly and energetic, but I could also talk to her about serious things and she would have something useful and intelligent to say.  I drove to see her a lot, since I was frequently in her neck of the woods, and I loved hanging out with her even when we just stayed at her house and talked and ate frozen pizza.  She went through something really difficult in her life, and she sort of fell away then, which I totally understand.  It’s something I struggle with, because I am the sort who reaches out in a crisis, but I know she was really hurting and I think she is the sort to turn in when things get bad.  I tried to keep my distance and let her work through it while still letting her know I was here and cared.  I called and left messages every now and then, and one day I was thrilled when she called back.  We spoke maybe two or three times, and then… just nothing.  I see her in Facebook, and she seems happier now and less affected by the things she was (and maybe still is) going through…  I don’t know.  I know she is talking to other people online, but not to me.  Truth?  I miss her.  I have resigned myself to the idea that I may not see or speak to her again.  Sometimes I wonder if I was never really the right type of friend for her anyway.  I was nothing like most of her other friends and although I felt totally comfortable with her, I secretly wonder now if maybe she didn’t feel so comfortable with me since I was so different.  I thought differently, dressed differently, wore a much larger size of much cheaper jeans…  In her heart of hearts, I don’t think she cared about any of that, but maybe in the end her other friends were just more comfortable for her.  Hey you, if you’re reading this and you know this is you, I MISS YOU.

Just some feelings to get out early in the morning…….


4 Responses to “friends?”

  1. Tara January 14, 2010 at 7:54 am #

    Hey, you stuck with me after all the hair and fashion choices of high school too! What are you up to Sunday/Monday?

  2. Bex January 14, 2010 at 10:36 am #

    I think I might know that last one maybe, and if I do… I miss that one too. A lot.

  3. Wondy January 14, 2010 at 10:47 am #

    I think this is all perfectly natural, although that fact doesn’t make any of this hurt any less.

    All I can say is these women don’t know what they’ve lost. I’m so proud to count you as my friend.

  4. Liz January 14, 2010 at 3:04 pm #

    I think it is harder to make friends now, and even harder to get through disagreements (even silent ones). I’m never one for up and walking away but it helps some people cope.

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