Tears of Gratitude, Tears of Heartbreak

14 Jan

Sometimes you come across something that hits you like a ton of bricks. Today, via a friend on Facebook, I came across this post and somehow, it was just what I needed. MckMama uses the post to talk about how frustrated she could get, and how she stays calm with her four (!) kids by remembering that no matter how difficult the moment is, one day she’ll miss it. I try to remember that when Evi tries my patience, but I am not always successful. And then I read this:

My mind cannot help but wander to those parents who have lost children. What on earth would they not give to hold their children again, even for a moment. I bet they would not complain about having to sing Rock-a-bye Baby one more time. Rather, they would probably give their right arm to sing it ten million times until their voice was hoarse and their eyelids closed in slumber.

And then I cried, long and hard.  I sat on my old, stained couch with my beautiful, vibrant daughter, and I shook with loud, body wracking sobs.  I cried selfishly, lost in a wave of violent self-pity for all of the moments I will never have with Aodin.  I wept for all the things I would give to have one more moment with him.  I’m crying again now as I type this, as I remember meeting my beautiful son for the first and last time more than two years ago.  It is all I can do to keep it under control for Evi’s sake.

I look at her, at her sweet perfect face, and I realize how much I will miss every frustrating, infuriating, exhausting second of this.  I consider how quickly the day will come when the mysterious “ba ba puh da da da” will become an exasperated “Mo-ooom”, how certainly I will be ambushed by fashion fights, boyfriends, and puberty.  One day she will not only not want to be held or rocked, but might not even want to talk to me.  And so today, and as often as possible from this day on, I will stop.  I will hold her and rock her and maker her giggle, because I will miss this.


4 Responses to “Tears of Gratitude, Tears of Heartbreak”

  1. Patty Horst January 14, 2010 at 7:16 pm #

    Take it from your mommy, yes you will miss this

  2. Barbara January 15, 2010 at 4:23 pm #

    Right arm, leg, breast, eye…



  3. Wondy January 17, 2010 at 7:08 am #

    You may not know this, because I don’t say it enough, but I read these posts and I learn from them.

    I may not be a mother yet, but when I am, I will have cherished every one of these moments with you, the ones you have been kind enough to share, and I will know, no matter how fearful I am of being a good mother, that it is okay to feel that way – that frustration is natural and okay.

    That it is normal to be scared and worried and determined to be the very best I can be.

    You will miss these moments, and so will I but they are out there and we can go back to them any time we like.

  4. Brandee January 18, 2010 at 2:05 pm #

    I love her blog… I was crying, reading that post too.

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