Babies on the brain

31 May

Babies, babies, babies.  Lately I’ve found myself thinking about babies and pregnancy more and more often… but probably not the way you’d think.  Everyone… friends, family, stranger… has been asking when we’ll have another baby, and I have surprised myself by saying that I not only don’t know when, but I don’t know IF…

I have always said (and believed) that I wanted to raise two children for sure and maybe even three.  Now that I’m in the process of raising one, I honestly can’t say that I want another.  I find this especially odd since I really like my daughter.  She is fun, easy, well behaved, and always in a good mood.  If having such an easy kid doesn’t immediately make me want to have another, am I broken?  Sometimes I worry that my past experience has soured me on it all.

In all fairness I do have a lot of issues and concerns that other women just aren’t dealing with most of the time.  On top of the weird emotional scarring of losing Aodin, I also have to face the very real possibility that the last half of my pregnancy may be spent on bedrest.  If that happens, it means a lot of complications.  If I’m still working from home I could likely continue working… but who will watch Evi?  How will we afford a full time childcare situation?  Once another baby is born, we then have to face the extremely prolonged healing process (for me) that results from bedrest.

Besides all of that, which is of course the most significant of my concerns, there is the simple fact that I already feel stressed out or overwhelmed sometimes, even though I am raising the aforementioned Best Kid Ever.  If things sometimes feel like too much when I’m bringing up the world’s easiest child, how will I deal when the next one is much harder?  Things will be significantly more difficult with another child to raise even if the next one is just as easy, simply by nature of the fact that two is a bigger number than one.

For the most part, I’ve tried to say that I will just wait and see.  After all, there is no reason we have to decide now.  We don’t have to know in advance what we’re going to do, and all of the well intentioned questions are easy enough to answer with an honest “I don’t know.”  So why do I feel so much pressure to know?

The truth is that right now, this minute, if I were forced to decide I would choose to be done having children for a lot of reasons.  I worry about potential bedrest/childcare issues and about the potential detrimental effects to my personal health.  I worry about extending our finances even further when they are already dangerously close to the breaking point.  I worry about not being able to handle more children.  But then I worry about making the wrong choice.  I worry about denying Evi the chance to grow up with siblings.  I worry about what the best choice is for her, and I worry about whether or not having another child secretly means more to Aaron than he’s telling me.  It’s not his style to lie about something like that, so I know I SHOULD believe him when he says that he is totally fine with being done, but I worry… and I also feel pressure thanks to my age.  By no means am I old, but in a few years I will have reached “advanced maternal age,” and I feel pressure to know what my decision will be so that I have my mind made up before that happens.  I’ve already got enough pregnancy related risks and issues without tacking on age related problems as well.

It’s just something that’s been heavy on my mind lately.  What if I go with my current instinct to say we’re done, and then it’s the wrong choice?  There are some things, like changing birth control, that might be different if we’re sure that we’re done.  What if we decide to have another child and it’s the wrong choice?  It’s just such a monumental decision… or at least it feels like one from where I’m sitting.  Am I allowed to not choose?  Does it really matter?  Is it alright to let the decision sit around, unmade and uncared-for, until one day I wake up certain about the issue in one way or another?  What if that never happens?

When did I become utterly and completely neurotic?

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More from me:

30 Day Slimdown, Day 1

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4 Responses to “Babies on the brain”

  1. H May 31, 2010 at 1:06 pm #

    I really empathize with your thought process. I wish I knew the answer. As time as gone on, I’ve moved more towards wanting one and DH has moved more towards wanting two, so I feel like it’s actually only gotten stickier for us. I had some pregnancy-related health problems that would also return, and that I can’t imagine dealing with while also having a child. But it’s also hard to imagine the perfect joy that is another life, or put the benefits of it down on a checklist. So weird. Whatever you decide though, I’m sure, will not be the wrong choice. There isn’t one, just different choices.

  2. Amanda May 31, 2010 at 8:57 pm #

    My first pregnancy was difficult, but we didn’t know if it was a fluke or it would happen every time. My second pregnancy was worse. I was on bedrest for 16 weeks with a 2 year old. I was allowed to get up to take care of his needs for the first 12 weeks and then I went on complete bedrest so he had to go stay with my parents in UT for 4 weeks. It was soooo difficult! We decided we were done having kids after that, but I was only 22 and not willing to do anything permanent at that point, so I had an IUD put in, which is good for 5 years. After about 4 1/2 and we knew #2 would be in school we decided to have another one. We were in a much better financial position at that point and could afford to 1. pay a cleaning service 2. pay for more meals out and the older two could function on their own. I am so glad that I didn’t do anything permanent and gave it some time. Whether or not you decide one or two is best for you and what the timing is, there is no WRONG answer. It is whatever is best for your family. And, if you did decide to have #2 and it was hard, what is a few months/years of hardship for a lifetime of happiness? Good luck!

  3. Nadine June 1, 2010 at 4:19 am #

    What if you just decided not to decide and let it come to you? After I had my daughter, I felt ‘free’ to be done, because I had a boy and a girl. At that time, I didn’t know whether I would go on to have #3 but I left the door open to decide whether or not my family felt complete. You have some REALLY valid reasons for not wanting to go through childbirth again. My childrens births were progressively complicated, and I didn’t want to push my luck, either. Anyway, in my own wordy way I’m trying to say just let the answer come to you, instead of trying so hard to find it. When its right, either way, you’ll just know.

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  1. 30 Day Slimdown « Skinny Sushi - May 31, 2010

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