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Futures

14 Jul
Future statue

"The Future," 1933-1935 - Designed and modeled by Robert I. Aitken; carved by the Piccirilli Brothers Company (source)

There’s something very weird and vaguely unsettling to me about the future.  And specifically, I mean MY future.  I am, and have always been, nearly incapable of picturing myself in a future place that is significantly different from where I am in the present.  When I try to think of myself as an old woman, I can’t and the effort makes me feel strangely disconnected from my current life.

That’s weird, right?  I remember being a kid and trying to picture myself as an adult, and I just couldn’t do it.  I am extremely tied to the current moment, the RIGHT NOW, and I just can’t wrap my head around the idea that things will be different.  I have always felt the same inside… I don’t feel any older now than I did in high school.  I remember high school pretty well still, and in my head I look back and see myself as the same person I am today.  Younger, yes… technically, but no different.  I recognize that I’ve had life experiences since then that have changed me, but at my core I feel like I’ve always been the same…

I don’t even know if this is making sense, but it’s something that’s been on my mind since Aaron and I started talking about a living will.  We want to make sure we’ve documented our wishes for Evi, but talking about it puts me in a weird place in my head because it forces me to seriously think about some future point in which I will not exist.  That shakes me, makes my skin feel crawly and my head unsettled.

Maybe it’s the ultimate arrogance… maybe my head is limited by my own humanity… but I think I’ll leave the future where it belongs.

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More from me:

The one where I malign water and everyone tells me I’m an idiot: Water, Water Everywhere?

Screwcap vs. Cork: which for wine?

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Blips

28 Jun

If you have a moment, please take some time to go and vote for my Mamavation application!  You can see my application video here, and you can “vote” for me by heading to Twitter and tweeting this: Hey @bookieboo! I want @SkinnySushi to be the next #Mamavation Mom. She has my support! http://bit.ly/zqUxa. As always, your support means SO much to me.

I’m super busy this week and feeling distracted, so here’s my post in bullets…

ASL alphabetsource

  • we saw some friends this weekend and one of them mentioned that the daycare where his five month old son is going will have him fully versed in sign language by one year old.  Evi is almost fourteen months and knows four signs. I might suck.
  • those same friends did not mention the fact that I am MUCH thinner than when they saw me last.  I continue to be puzzled by people’s reluctance to mention that you might look skinnier.
  • our second car is STILL not fixed.  Every time they fix something, they find some new problem.  Let this be a lesson to those of you who want to save money by buying a car at auction.  This one has been useless since DECEMBER and, as such, I have been housebound for as long.
  • What is the world coming to?  Italy, France, and the US are out of the World Cup?  We bought Evi an Italia tee shirt this weekend anyway, and she looks mighty cute in it.  I wanted one too, but I’m waiting for clearance sales.  I am cheap.
  • I may also suck as a wife.  I got excited for Fathers Day and (with Evi’s help) made Aaron a card.  I got him a copy of a book he wanted but since the book won’t be released until September, I also got him a three month subscription to a sci-fi book site where he can download books to his Kindle.  It was a great day, I made him breakfast and brownies.  And then I got to thinking… and decided I was irritated that I didn’t get a present on Mothers Day.  It’s not about getting “stuff” but… I was bugged.  When I said something to Aaron a few days later, he apologized and said that he’d tried to make sure I had a break on Mother’s Day and didn’t have to do anything in terms of cooking, cleaning, or child rearing.  And you know what?  He DID do that.  I so suck.  Upon further discussion, we realized it’s just a difference in how we acknowledge occasions.  I’m a present-giver, so for me it’s harder not to get a gift.  He’s an action guy, so he doesn’t mind no gifts if he gets something else, like a day off.  We’ve both agreed to do two things… #1 – work harder to acknowledge each other in ways that are meaningful to the receiver, and #2 – make sure we’re paying attention to the ways the other person might be acknowledging us in their way.

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More from me:

Mamavation Monday: motivation (includes a video blog!)

Beach and Picnic Wines

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Balance

8 Jun

balance beamsource

My two month writing experiment is coming to an end, while at the same time I am facing the possibility that my graduate scholarship will end even earlier than I originally thought.  I’m trying to register for fall classes, barely hanging on to my motivation to stay healthy, and searching desperately for a writing job… or, let’s face it, ANY job that would keep me home with Evi.  At this point I’ve basically abandoned any thoughts of finding a job that plays to my passion…  sometimes I think that’s not a very grown up way of thinking anyway.  As it stands now, I’ll do whatever job keeps me home with my daughter.  I have a lot of strengths and talents, so if I can find something that uses one of those, even if it doesn’t play to my interests, I will make it work.  I’m a smart woman and a hard worker, so I know I can do any job well if given the chance.

So if you know of any jobs where I might be able to work from home, send me an email at yummysushipajamas (aT) gmail (DoT) com, okay?

I’m still feeling pretty worn out from being sick yesterday, so I’m trying to find the balance today between getting back to my workout routine and not pushing myself too hard right away.  I’ll definitely be headed out for a morning walk with Evi this morning, and then likely taking a nap when she does.  I feel like balance is the big theme in my life right now, and maybe always?  Balance between fitness and health, between money and time, between family and self, between work and school… and I just hope I can find a way to make it all work.

Although it was probably a really bad financial decision, we decided we’d maintain some work/life balance and reduce Aaron’s work related stress by going to spend a week in Florida in September visiting my parents.  It will be a fantastic vacation from work for Aaron, a much needed time with my mommy for me, and an important time for Evi to spend with her beloved grandparents.  Starting next year, she’ll be spending a week with them every summer, so we want her to be spending as much time as possible with them leading up to that so that she’s used to them and can look forward to her special grandparents week.  Since my parents are the only ones far enough away to not be able to see her on a regular basis, they get a dedicated week to spend with her.  It will also be a nice time for Aaron and I to spend together without being “parents,” although I’m terrified I’ll miss her too much to enjoy the time.

It feels like the summer is already flying by.  We might have our second car fixed (finally) in the coming weeks, which will be a nice chance for me to get out of the house.  I’m thinking about taking Evi for swimming lessons at the local pool, and we’ll definitely be heading to the library for some storytime.  It will be a nice chance to get out of the house together.

That’s all I’ve got for today…  Leave comments and let me know if there’s something else you’d like to know!

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More from me:

Crawl, Walk, Run – exercise, running, and more

Wines of Puglia: southern Italian wines you might not know about

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House of Guilt

5 Jun

I have an extremely inconsiderate, self-indulgent gripe today.  I’m tired.  This week, complete with a sick little girl and a briefly malfunctioning air conditioner, has worn me out.  I intended to sleep in this morning, but ended up laying in bed wide awake for 45 minutes before giving up and coming downstairs….

…where I found my husband barely keeping it together with Evi because he has apparently come down with whatever she had this week.  I immediately felt… bad?  Sad?  Nope… irritated.  I felt bugged because it means I don’ t get a break today.  I got dressed and took Evi with me grocery shopping.

We came home, where she took the world’s shortest nap.  I did the dishes while she ate lunch, I scarfed some leftovers for my own lunch, and now I’m frantically typing this while trying to keep her from waking up her sick, sleeping Dad.

I totally suck.  Of course I DO feel bad for him and wish he wasn’t sick.  I just want a break…

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More from me:

Food bloggers are idiots

Tempranillo wines from Spain, Argentina, Australia, and California

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Babies on the brain

31 May

Babies, babies, babies.  Lately I’ve found myself thinking about babies and pregnancy more and more often… but probably not the way you’d think.  Everyone… friends, family, stranger… has been asking when we’ll have another baby, and I have surprised myself by saying that I not only don’t know when, but I don’t know IF…

I have always said (and believed) that I wanted to raise two children for sure and maybe even three.  Now that I’m in the process of raising one, I honestly can’t say that I want another.  I find this especially odd since I really like my daughter.  She is fun, easy, well behaved, and always in a good mood.  If having such an easy kid doesn’t immediately make me want to have another, am I broken?  Sometimes I worry that my past experience has soured me on it all.

In all fairness I do have a lot of issues and concerns that other women just aren’t dealing with most of the time.  On top of the weird emotional scarring of losing Aodin, I also have to face the very real possibility that the last half of my pregnancy may be spent on bedrest.  If that happens, it means a lot of complications.  If I’m still working from home I could likely continue working… but who will watch Evi?  How will we afford a full time childcare situation?  Once another baby is born, we then have to face the extremely prolonged healing process (for me) that results from bedrest.

Besides all of that, which is of course the most significant of my concerns, there is the simple fact that I already feel stressed out or overwhelmed sometimes, even though I am raising the aforementioned Best Kid Ever.  If things sometimes feel like too much when I’m bringing up the world’s easiest child, how will I deal when the next one is much harder?  Things will be significantly more difficult with another child to raise even if the next one is just as easy, simply by nature of the fact that two is a bigger number than one.

For the most part, I’ve tried to say that I will just wait and see.  After all, there is no reason we have to decide now.  We don’t have to know in advance what we’re going to do, and all of the well intentioned questions are easy enough to answer with an honest “I don’t know.”  So why do I feel so much pressure to know?

The truth is that right now, this minute, if I were forced to decide I would choose to be done having children for a lot of reasons.  I worry about potential bedrest/childcare issues and about the potential detrimental effects to my personal health.  I worry about extending our finances even further when they are already dangerously close to the breaking point.  I worry about not being able to handle more children.  But then I worry about making the wrong choice.  I worry about denying Evi the chance to grow up with siblings.  I worry about what the best choice is for her, and I worry about whether or not having another child secretly means more to Aaron than he’s telling me.  It’s not his style to lie about something like that, so I know I SHOULD believe him when he says that he is totally fine with being done, but I worry… and I also feel pressure thanks to my age.  By no means am I old, but in a few years I will have reached “advanced maternal age,” and I feel pressure to know what my decision will be so that I have my mind made up before that happens.  I’ve already got enough pregnancy related risks and issues without tacking on age related problems as well.

It’s just something that’s been heavy on my mind lately.  What if I go with my current instinct to say we’re done, and then it’s the wrong choice?  There are some things, like changing birth control, that might be different if we’re sure that we’re done.  What if we decide to have another child and it’s the wrong choice?  It’s just such a monumental decision… or at least it feels like one from where I’m sitting.  Am I allowed to not choose?  Does it really matter?  Is it alright to let the decision sit around, unmade and uncared-for, until one day I wake up certain about the issue in one way or another?  What if that never happens?

When did I become utterly and completely neurotic?

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More from me:

30 Day Slimdown, Day 1

I’m so Clark Kent

21 May

Today is the last day to enter the calendar giveaway!  Go and comment!

No glasses

New glassesSo it turns out… I need glasses.  I’ve been noticing a lot of blurriness, especially when my eyes get tired, so I checked it out and it turns out I have astigmatism.  Basically, my eyeballs are shaped funny now that I’m all old and junk.  So here I am, in my new glasses from my beloved Target.  They feel weird and my eyes are still adjusting, but they definitely make it easier to see!

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More from me:

Sore muscles

Spanish Rioja

Walking Tall

20 May

**Please go check out my giveaway!  It’s extended until tomorrow, and it’s easy to enter!**

You guys?  My baby is walking.  What’s that you say?  She can’t be walking because she is just a tiny, tiny baby?  Yeah…

You see that?  She is walking.  And she went from zero to across the room in ONE DAY.  Yesterday morning all she could manage was to sort of throw herself the three steps between the couch and the chair.  She was sort of walking, but mostly falling.  Then by lunch time, she’s doing the above drunken walk from the table to the couch.  By dinner time, she was making it across the room.  Today, I fully expect her to be out doing laps.

I don’t know where the time is going.  I have no idea what has happened to the last year, and now she’s walking?  God, before I know it she’ll be in school.  It totally thrills/terrifies me to imagine her climbing on to that big yellow school bus.  Until then, I have to figure out a way to keep her entertained and still get work done at home!  I am totally open to suggestions if anyone has tips for working from home while wrangling a now fully mobile one year old…

She’s a challenge, in a really good way.  She gets bored at the drop of a hat.  It was raining at the beginning of the week, so on Monday and Tuesday we didn’t get to go out for our usual morning walks.  And by Tuesday midmorning?  She was a screaming mess.  It was KILLING her to sit in the house!  Now that she’s sort of walking, and it looks like our car *might* be fixed this weekend, I can’t wait to get out of the house with her and let her explore the park, the neighborhood beach, the playground…  Any tips there too?  What’s the best way to let a one year old, VERY unstable little walker explore these new places?  Helmet and pads?  Full sumo suit?

Clearly, I’m in uncharted territory here, and I am frequently at a loss as to what to do.  I worry that she watches too much television (excluding the day of total meltdown this week, she watches 15 minutes in the morning, another 15 in the late afternoon, and then sort of watches whatever Aaron puts on when he gets home, though she seems uninterested in his shows) and I worry that I don’t pay enough attention to her.  I am trying to figure out a balance.  I feel like there IS enough time in the day to get it all done, but that I just haven’t quite mastered how to figure it all out.  I worry that I’m not disciplined enough, that I spend too much time online doing frivolous things, that I too often need a mental break.  I feel like I should have my days regimented, although in fairness I’m pretty sure even the idea of a schedule is ridiculous until your kid is… eighteen?  twenty five?

Truly though, as much as it sounds like I’m floundering, in a lot of ways I have never been happier.  I have certainly never been healthier, and the exercise and (mostly) good food are making huge differences in my mood and energy, plus they are setting exactly the right example for my munchkin.  My marriage is wonderful, better every day.  I love the work I’m doing right now, and if I can manage to stick with it a little bit longer, it has the potential to really grow into something real and big and wonderful.  As I get older I realize that I really like ME, which is a nice thing to be sure of, and I’m looking forward to my thirties.  Our house is nice and safe and warm, and we’re slowly making tiny improvements that we hope will mean selling it for a profit once we’re ready to move on.  Life is good.  Confusing, strange, stressful, overwhelming, ridiculous, and good.

I know I’ve been lax in posting here, and I swear I’m trying to make up for it.  Do you still read?  Is anyone out there?  If you’re reading and just lurking, leave a comment please!  I’d love to know who’s still hanging on to this mega brain dump that is my blog!!!  And if you’re feeling silly, please do go and enter this giveaway.  The calendar is freaking hilarious, and it’s so worth the time it will take you to leave a comment.  I got my calendar the other day and it’s amazing.

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More from me:

What-If Wednesday: Progress with writing

Italian wines from Veneto